My Immortal: An Investigation
by Abandon Structure
Summary: As a writer, I set forth to examine the content of the supposedly "Worse-Fanfic-Ever" and determine if it was, in fact, deserving of the title. This is my story. Warning: Undertaking an investigation into My Immortal is not for the faint of heart.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **I found My Immortal today…and I decided that I was going to do an honest, in depth investigation into the horrendousness of this fanfiction and its effects on its readers.

**My Immortal Timeline  
January 4th, 2010**  
**1735 hours**

Began investigation into this so-called 'Worst-Fanfiction-Ever' after discovering the Mary Sue Lithmus Test on YouTube where numerous mentions of Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way were made.

Curious, I posted a question inquiring as to the content of My Immortal. Impatient for a response, I google'd the name and clicked upon the first available link at "/My_Immortal."

Scrolling down the page, my curiosity – which had moved from piqued to rabid – prompted me to click to the link leading to ".."

I read the brief introduction and took note that this fic was "retarded" and "infamous for its horrible abuse to the english language and extreme gothic attitude".

**1741 hours**

I clicked on the link for Chapters 1 – 22.

I started reading.

**1742**

Completed the first chapter.

Am curious as to what "limpid tears" are.

Also…who is Gerard Way?

**1745**

Begin Chapter 2.

**1747**

Completed Chapter 2.

Question as to how Ebony knew it was snowing and raining outside if she still in her coffin.

Am curious as to what MCR means.

Also, OMFG.

Additionally question why Good Charlotte would be playing at Hogsmeade.

Am surprisingly curious as to whether Ebony said yes to Draco's invitation.

**1749**

Begin Chapter 3

**1754**

Feel vaguely queasy.

Could not understand the AN at the beginning so I typed Flamming into Word to clarify; was automatically changed to Flaming. Am curious as to whether or not the author intentionally circumvented spell check.

Am beginning to think that Ebony is one hell of a magician – she managed to straighten her hair and spike it at the same time.

Would like to know why Ebony bothered with make-up in the previous chapter if she's so naturally pale.

Would like to know what depressing book Ebony was reading in case I ever decide to slit my wrist so I'll have some reading material while I wait for the ambulance to arrive.

Also curious as to when Draco Malfoy learned to drive a car. Also, when the author says flew, are they being literal?

Would like some of the drugs they smoked to help with the queasiness.

The question arose as to Draco Malfoy's sexuality and sensitivity when I managed to comprehend that apparently Draco Malfoy has a man-crush on Joel Madden and is unwilling to enjoy the company of anybody who might like him better than he does.

Believe that Ebony's magical powers might extend to telepathy.

Was surprised to discover my face was suddenly several centimeters longer since my jaw had dropped and my eyebrows had risen slightly by the end of this chapter.

Am determined to press onwards, however.

**1800**

Begin Chapter 4

**1806**

Still can't read the AN save for the fact that the author managed to spell Flaming correctly this time.

Am considering applauding.

Am curious as to how Ebony became Enoby.

Assume that Draco Malfoy landed the flying car before walking out of it. Alternatively consider that maybe Enoby and Draco have developed the power of flight.

Put forth the hypothesis that perhaps being around Enoby is like being around a CDC lab – any magical power she develops may leech into other people.

Move back several inches from my computer screen just in case.

Apparently Enoby is still Ebony.

Consider that perhaps Ebony/Enoby is also in possession of a split personality.

Believe that Enoby/Ebony is sincerely fucked up since depressing sorrow and evilness apparently turn her on.

Alternatively consider the possibility that Enoby/Ebony is a teenager.

Re-read Chapter One and ascertain the correctness of my assumption.

Re-read Chapter Four and decide that Enoby/Ebony is a _dumb_ teenager.

Have reached a wall of confusion. Something suddenly happened and then they were making out keenly.

Am curious as to what suddenly happened.

Am also curious as to how one makes out keenly.

Question how one "of's" one's clothes.

Have decided that the word off has one f too many for the author to type.

Is it significant that Enoby/Ebony even took off her bra? Is there some special meaning behind why she wouldn't?

Would like to go up to the next person I see and ask them if they would like to stick their thingie into my you-know-what in order to see what happens.

Expect mystification to be their first response, which would fall in line with mine.

Believe that author was a twelve year-old who used these phrasings because they sincerely didn't know what a penis and vagina were.

Or perhaps they were simply confused as to who had what.

Wondering where one would go to get an orgasm. Am curious as to whether or not one can be bought using Visa or if it's cash only.

Giggle because in addition to failing to use correct terminology or even feasible alternatives for penis and vagina, the author also failed to correctly spell Motherfuckers.

Laugh a little hysterically – and not in a good way – because apparently Dumbledore swears now.

Am beginning to get a headache but am determined to plow onwards, which also could have been used as an acceptable substitute in place of "putting his thingie into my you-know-what."

**1817**

Being Chapter Five…God help me.

**1818**

The headache continues.

Have little idea what a prep or a posr are, but will gladly accept the title.

Am beginning to believe the devil had a hand in making this.

Am curious as why Dumbledore and Headaches equates to a motherfucker.

Giggle because Dumbledore calls them "ludacris fools."

Have firmly decided that spell-check was turned off during the writing of this…thing.

Am impressed that the author has found a new way to say pale.

Laugh because Dumbledore says "sexual intercourse." Continue laughing because I have a mental picture of Dumbledore screaming "What the hell are you doing, you motherfuckers?" in ghetto drag.

Believe that the author was confused when they put mediocre in front of dunces.

Who calls anybody a dunce anymore? Cannot remember the last time anybody used the word mediocre in a reprimand for having sex. Can understand how McGonagall would have felt that way is she were Enoby/Ebony and was about to purchase an orgasm when Dumbledore interrupts and calls her a motherfucker…

Cringe at the mental image of McGonagall having sex.

Am gobsmacked that a teenage boy would admit to loving someone in front of adults after they had sex while he was in a depressed and suicidal mood.

Rethink my previous statement.

Shudder at the blatant OOCness of Snape.

Revisit the belief that the author was on drugs while writing this.

Am curious as to what happened to the MCR shirt.

Laugh because who the hell wears high heels to bed?

Decide that Draco Malfoy has become the latest victim of body snatchers. Am curious as to who the hell his current replacement really is.

**1840**

Will be posting the next Chapter within a half an hour or so after taking a short break for my sanity and snacks.

**A/N: **This fic only makes sense if you've read My Immortal. If you haven't read it…I really want to tell you not to, but my conscience only extends so far.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **The investigation continues…

**My Immortal Timeline**

**January 4****th****, 2010**

**1900 hours**

Have discovered the My Immortal drinking game; have discovered that I don't have enough liquor for it.

Will play anyways with various non-alcoholic liquids.

1902

Have assembled my drinking materials (milk, apple juice, and water) and will commence with Chapter 6.

10 seconds later…

Have already partaken of two shots.

Sincerely hope that shots can be limited to one shot for words misspelled in a sentence rather than every word misspelled.

1905

Oh my fucking God.

1906

How one gets a j and a u confused…

Spell checker wasn't turned off – it committed suicide.

Have officially decided that Hogwarts no longer has school uniforms…or anything remotely resembling taste.

Am curious as to how Enoby/Ebony managed to eat solid foods when she's so obviously a vampire drinking blood.

Postulate that perhaps she's like Spike from BtVS: she likes a little texture in her blood.

Alternatively consider that perhaps the author simply thinks vampires are the shit and inserted Count Chocula to re-emphasis the point that Enoby/Ebony is a vampire…or because she's stupid.

Amused because apparently when boys where eyeliner, Enoby/Ebony goes down their face.

Am pleasantly surprised that the author knows what an erection is. Even more surprised that she understands girls don't get them.

Am wondering if sicko was meant as a compliment.

Have decided that the author decided to be creative with the speaking descriptions. Either that or Enoby/Ebony really loves to roar and Vampire/Harry really loves to whimper.

Inadvertently got a glimpse of the AN on the next chapter and am not sure I have enough liquids for it.

1912

Bravely press onwards into Chapter 8.

1913

Am completely shocked that _anybody _would give this chick a good review.

Would sincerely love to give author a tin review, or better yet a titanium steel review.

1915

Have brain freeze from the milk.

Would like to know what red Satanist sings are.

Am duly impressed that they can French passively while taking each others clothes off enthusiastically. Idly wonder if that's anything like rubbing your stomach and patting your head at the same time…

Curious as to why the author felt the need to mention Draco feel Enoby/Ebony up before taking off her top. Believe that maybe this might constitute as a "big deal" for the twelve year old who wrote this fic.

Leather bras…makes me disappointed that there aren't whips and chains and a Dominatrix named Mistress Pain.

Decide that perhaps it's a little to early to introduce full-on S&M and consider the possibility that this is the authors way of subtly introducing bondage themes.

Am duly impressed by the foreshadowing.

Wondering if the question as to whether or not Draco putting his boy thingy into Enoby/Ebony's thingy was rhetorical.

Am curious as to when Enoby/Ebony grew a thingy and wondering how Draco managed to put his thingy in her thingy.

Cringe at the mental image…_ewwww_.

Am still wondering where one can purchase an orgasm.

Am surprised the author knows what AIDs is.

Confess to continue to be confused by author's continual reference to a "you-know-what".

What is a you-know-what? And why do I have the distinct feeling that his you-know-what and her you-know-what aren't the same things?

Have realized – belatedly – that I did not drink enough.

1925

Moving on into Chapter 9.

Barely managing to suppress a whimper.

1926

Finished the milk and have moved on to the water.

Beginning to feel queasy for a completely different reason.

I have no fucking clue what flassing is.

Would sincerely like to know how one screams sadly.

Why the fuck – who the hell – what the –

B'loody Mary Smith?

Seriously?

Currently think it's hilarious that the author managed to spell depressed right in an entire paragraph.

Wonder how one goes about being re-sorted into Slytherin.

Idly consider the possibility that Satan had a hand in it.

Am wondering why Snape's suddenly unusually verbose.

Currently confused – was Enoby/Ebony dating Vampire/Harry when Vampire/Harry was sleeping with Draco?

Maybe Enoby was sleeping with Vampire/Harry when Vampire/Harry was sleeping with Draco and when Ebony saw the tattoo, Enoby took over their body to confront Vampire/Harry.

Apparently, Draco is now the first person main character.

Curiously, am not surprised to find out that Enoby/Ebony is bi. Am curious as to whether or not her being bi is limited to one personality or both.

Have discovered that apparently the author things being gothic is a universal cure all.

According to the author, Enoby/Ebony lost her virility to Draco in the Forbidden Forest.

Thank fucking God.

1934

Chapter 9.

I definitely don't have enough liquids for this.

1935

Haven't finished the chapter. Can't breath…too fucking stupid…

1936

Six lines later…still too fucking stupid.

And my stomach is starting to hurt from all the liquids.

1937

Have decided that the author thinks were all fucking retarded which is why she's writing this way.

Additionally have decided the author is fucking retarded.

Love how the author feels the need to put a distinction between Voldemort's black and gothic black. Can see how that might be confusing…

WTF??? Crookshanks?

Voldemort apparently has convulsions at the mention of Hermione – excuse me B'loody Mary Smith's – cat's name.

How the fuck did I miss this?

How the fuck did everybody except the author miss this?

Apparently, though, sadists have feelings too.

And Voldemort is actually Voldemort II, the new and improved version from the 15th century who only speaks Old English.

Am curious as to what sexah is.

Have decided it would make a great name for a cat. Can call him Sex for short.

Logic: apparently it's something that Enoby/Ebony only uses when she's cornered by a Dark Lord from medieval times.

Laugh because Voldemort gives Enoby/Ebony a gun.

Apparently doing things the Muggle way is better.

And apparently Voldemort is also a teenager, since he has perfected the dude-ur-so-retarded face.

Segues back into hysterical laughter.

Hi.

Laughs some more.

Realize that I don't geddit.

Am definitely experiencing liquid overload.

1946

Will press on into Chapter 10.

Though I have experienced psychological scarring to this point, am still uncertain as to whether this fic is deserving of the "Worse-Fanfic-Ever" title…but it's a slim margin.

1948

Laughing at a mental image of somebody chasing Draco around with a steak attached to the end of a cross.

1949

God give me strength.

I take it back.

This is the worst piece of shit I've ever laid eyes on.

Cannot read the AN. Am not surprised, since the AN is apparently written in Idiot.

Believe that Bloody Gothic Rose 666 is perhaps the stupidest band name ever.

Who is Hargrid? And why is he in the band?

And how do you kill a vampire with raw meat?

It comes as a surprise that the author would feel the need to address Enoby/Ebony's sluttiness so abruptly.

Wonder what a concerted voice would sound like…

Want to take away the author's ability to use commas after such blatant abuse of them.

Again, wonder if the author's question is rhetorical. Draco calling Enoby/Ebony a fucking muggle posr bitch? And then bursting out into tears?

Is the author fucking insane?

Crying wisely sounds like a most interesting skill. Am only mildly surprised that Dumbledore has it.

Gasp-Choke-and-Laugh because Draco commits suicide by cutting his wrist which is **BLATANT DISREGARD **for the author's first paragraph which **specifically states **that you can only kill a vampire with a cross and raw meat.

1957

Have a leg cramp and a stomach cramp.

Will take another short break for food and the bathroom.

Am considering discontinuing the drinking aspect of this game since it's unlikely my kidney's could handle that much pressure.

**A/N: **I think, honestly, that the only way you can get through this whole fic is with alcohol…or a gun. They'd probably hand this out as literature in hell.

I'm sure all the Satanists out there would _lo-ove_ that!


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **If you have stomach issues, asthma, psychotic tendancies, or intelligence, you should probably go someplace else right now. Seriously.

**My Immortal Timeline**

**January 4****th****, 2010**

**2012 hours**

Taking deep breaths and praying for strength, I plunge into Chapter 11.

**2013**

No fucking way am I doing the drinking game anymore. Five chapters is my limit.

**2015**

Please God shoot me…just kill me. I can't take it anymore.

I just – it's just – god-fucking-damnit!

Who the hell let this person near a keyboard?

Defying her own logic, Draco is now dead, Enoby/Ebony has slit her wrist as attempt death by raw meat to the heart.

Snape and Lupin are pedophiles who video tape Enoby/Ebony while chewing.

Apparently Snape and Loopin/Lupin are now immune to a bastardized version of the killing curse and Harry/Vampire has a womb.

If Harry/Vampire has a womb, then Draco (who is now dead in complete defiance of the authors **OWN **rules) having slept with him would not make him gay…unless Harry/Vampire is now a hermaphrodite.

Enoby/Ebony can shoot, apparently, but her aim must be absolutely atrocious because even after she shoots Snape and Loopin/Lupin a gazillion times they're still not dead.

And then Dumblydore comes in and waves his wand (at this point, I wish this was an euphemism).

And then Hargrid is a little Hogwarts Student and also a Satanist, which is completely relevant to the plot which makes since because apparently **THERE IS NO FUCKING PLOT!!!**

And then apparently is Dumblydore who shot Snape, because Snape is now bleeding from wounds inflicted by Dumblydore shooting him with his wand.

And apparently there are other factors, but Snape doesn't have any according to Enoby/Ebony.

And oh – look – the lens may be broken but the tape is fine according the Loopin/Lupin, so their kiddie porn business is completely safe…

Triumelephantly? What's this? A mixture of a car and a elephant?

Look is drives and flies and it's totally the shit and green because it runs on grass and poops!

Course then there'd be issues with methane production…

And of course I know what it feels like to feel faint from not drinking enough blood…

I don't even _understand_ the last part.

Apparently Hargid makes Enoby/Ebony hungry and there's a gothic version of a 50 cent song created for the sole purpose of the author not having to admit to liking anything that wasn't completely hard-core.

And then Snapes scared because Hargid being gothic opens up a connection to Satan and – of course – Hargid loves Enoby/Ebony…

The poor dumb bastard.

**2030**

I don't want to do this anymore. I think my IQ is already suffering a downward slide. My sanity will be the next to go.

Chapter Twelve, may you rot in hell.

**2031**

HE'S CONSTIPATED THE CAMERA!!!!!

**2034**

I think I'm about to cry…the chapters are getting longer.

Apparently – according the authors note – kids in American schools are perverts because they like to have sex.

And Enoby/Ebony is so not like that…

And now – apparently – silver kills vampires just as well as raw meat and crosses. Who knew?

And here's the bondage! Vindication! I so saw that one coming.

I really, really, _**really **_want to know how one goes about constipating a cideo camera.

Course, it's Dumblydore. Dude's got ma-_ad_ skills.

And, apparently, is slightly bi-polar, since he only swears when he has headaches.

Hargrid was apparently a bastard before he became "gottik" and apparently the color pink causes bouts of outright hostility in Enoby/Ebony, which considering the girl is fucking psychotic isn't all that surprising.

What surprises me at this point is the fact that she has yet to successfully kill somebody.

What upsets me is that that somebody isn't her.

For this fic to have any redeeming qualities, she should have died in Chapter 3.

Draco should have _killed _her in the Forbidden Forest instead of trying to help her purchase an orgasm.

SHE KNOWS WHO PARIS HILTON IS!!!

What a fucking prep.

Imo Noto okayo pretty much sums up my outlook by this point.

And again – the awe inspiring powers of the color black strike again!

Drako/Drago/Draco is now apparently alive for no apparent reason though Enoby/Ebony has no idea where he is, except that he and the Dark Lord are getting kinky with it.

And randomly – without warning – the author forgoes the English language completely and has Dumblydore speaking in tongues that look a lot like random letters.

And, no, author, I don't Geddit. I have no fucking clue what you're talking about!!!

Kawai.

I have found the name for my dog.

Sexah the Cat and Kawai the Dog.

And so she slits her wrists and drinks her blood…is that cannibalism? Can it be cannibalism when you're eating yourself?

Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. This has got to be one of those cosmetic classes colleges offer because their students aren't smart enough to succeed anywhere else, cause lord knows _none _of these people can function in a normal society.

And then Vampire/Harry is randomly eating a Hufflepuff who doesn't even get a name.

Praise be!

The author said screwing instead of referencing their thingies!

She so totally turned thirteen right there.

According the McGoggle, though, they're simply Horny Simpletons.

Not to mention exhibitionists.

Am seriously curious, though, as to why the author can be so imbecilic with everything and yet elaborate with the insults from the teachers.

And then Enoby/Ebony slaps Harry/Vampire because he's a bastard and she has decided that Draco was the love of her life mid-screw.

And then for no apparent reason except for either genuine error or sadistic tendencies on the authors part, the first part of the chapter is repeated.

That fucking bitch.

**2054**

Lucky thirteen…maybe this one will kill me.

Ten seconds later…

Gelpin. Perfect for my Goldfish.

**2055**

Bliss! Half a page long chapter!

Oh God, you are so getting a big, smacking kiss from me right now!

Actually, given the nature of my mindset and your holiness, and the fact that looking at you would kill me, I think I'll send it by way of FedEx.

Safer that way.

So, now, apparently Dumbledore/Dumblydore totally should not be in charge of kids.

And Voldemort/Volfemort/Volsemort still has Draco/Drago/Drako.

Despicable Snobs.

Hey! You could use that as a band name!

And Dumbledore/Dumblydore doesn't have a headache because he says darn instead of damn.

And now I laugh because Harry/Vampire had an idea, but he obviously lost it the second he meandered into this fanfic.

And then for no explicable reason, they're in Voldeprts lair.

Who the hell is Voldeprts?

And now they're Muslim because somebody's saying something about Allah…

And then there's Voldemort.

Does Voldeprts know Voldemort is in his lair?

**2101**

Chapter 14 and my butt is starting to hurt, which is nice. Now I have a pain in my ass to go with the pain in my neck.

**2102**

Isn't that nice? The author tells you to shit yourself now.

Apparently recruitment options are slim, since Voldemort is now in possession of a sixteen year old Snaketail who's apparently the one who killed Cedric, not Wormtail, which makes me think that perhaps the two of them are related somehow.

And the Muggles win again! Instead of wands, Enoby/Ebony uses the gun…successfully.

Alas, though, it was not on herself.

The bitch.

And so Snaketail confesses his love for Enoby/Ebony for no apparent reason and asks her to have sex with him.

She responds by stabbing him through the heart.

Whole new definition of heartbreak, don't you think?

NEWS FLASH!

Voldemort is a cross dresser, because apparently he now wears heels.

And now Drago/Drako/Draco has a sex-pack and a really huge you-know-what, which I still don't know what and he and Enoby/Ebony are going to screw.

Then it's suddenly a burden to be so fucking perfect that everybody loves you and you wish you were a prep which – according to what I can surmise from the author – is a fate worse than death.

Of course, B'loody Mary isn't plain.

And curse Satan for making Enoby/Ebony so beautiful!

I'll one up you, here.

**Curse Satan for making Enoby/Ebony at all!!!!**

"I'm good at too many things!"

Umm…wow.

Those drugs must _really _be working.

**2110**

I've entered into a realm of complete insanity.

Chapter 15, here I come!

**2112**

It's official.

I've gotten dumber just by reading this.

Now instead of sad, Enoby/Ebony is mad.

And Draco has some groveling to do…because apparently he does. No other reason.

Logic committed suicide fourteen chapters ago.

It would be just like the author, though, with her sadistic tendencies to resurrect it sometime soon just so she could kill it in front of us again…

And now Hogwarts has a biology class, which Loopin teaches, because instead of being sent to St. Mungos for being a fucking perverted pedophile, he's still teaching!

Draco then becomes himself from a pentagram and a guitar and starts to sing Good Charlotte songs while looking like the love child of every male band member that the author – I mean Enoby/Ebony – has a crush on.

And apparently I'm not longer allowed to read this because I have no fucking clue who these people are.

Unfortunately, I'm a real rule-breaking rebel…and a masochist.

Then they make up and start making out like Hilary Duff, who is God (cause she's a Satanist) according to Enoby/Ebony, and CMM in A Cinderella Story.

And I'm laughing because this hard-core "gottik" chick has obviously seen the movie.

Can you say Poser?

And apparently looking sexy together is worthy of applause in Hogwarts.

Am beginning to think they should change the name to Hogwarts School for the Exceptionally Moronic.

**2118**

Ass still hurts.

Am going to take a food break.

Hopefully my computer will short-circuit and the link to this fic will mysteriously vanish before I return.

Barring that, another chapter will be posted shortly.

**A/N: **I'm worried now. Somebody said that the spelling in Chapters 1 – 15 was only good because Raven was co-writing. I'm not sure I can take it getting any worse…I'm not sure I could **read **it if it got any worse.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **I almost had a panic attack when You Know Who said that she was back with another story called Down Under and then I looked it up and whimpered cause she's obviously spawned.

First we had the GC/MCR girl, now we've got hip-hop wannabe.

God fucking kill whoever gave these morons a keyboard.

Thanks to my reviewers, You Know Who and SituationalExtrovert – even though SituationalExtrovert cursed my thingy (or you-know-what) to be infested with fleas for inflicting the desire to go back and attempt a re-read of this atrocity on him/her.

**My Immortal Timeline**

**January 4****th****, 2010 **

**2145**

Gratuitous amounts of sugar and fifteen minutes of the Big Bang Theory have pushed me into Chapter 16 with more energy than the chapter undoubtedly deserves.

2151

OMFG.

Her spelling has gotten worse…dumbfounded shock is my initial reaction, followed by copious amounts of whimpering.

They run happily – that has to be against the gottik code.

Volsemort and da Death Dealers…apparently masquerade as MCR…which still doesn't have an official name.

And now Enoby/Ebony is angry with Draco because apparently for whatever fucked up reason Draco supposedly knew that Volsemort was masquerading as MCR.

Then the you-know-what returns only this time – and I'm being serious here – I sincerely don't know what.

Is it another euphemism for sex? Is Draco trying to pimp Enoby/Ebony out to Volsemort and the Death Dealers?

His daddy does have a kick-ass pimp cane…

And then they require an escort to make sure they don't have sex again…I think, which – according to Enoby/Ebony is so fucking mainstream.

And apparently anyone who's a prep or named Christina is evil incarnate…or would that be Jesus Christ incarnate? Because apparently Satan is the good guy…or bad is good. Which means good people are bad people according to the author. But bad people are still bad people, which is good…and now I'm confused.

Going back to the story, now Enoby/Ebony and B'loody Mary speak Japanese, Willow/Raven got expelled because she failed her classes and skipped math – which is totally an expulsion worthy practice.

And woe, woe, serious woe – apparently the only reason depressed was spelled right in previous chapters was because of Raven.

What a fucking bitch for leaving – I officially nominate who for the 'People We Should Kill' list.

She had a part in making this massacre _worse._

But apparently she's metaphorically dead and raped by a necrophiliac Loopin.

Kawai – my dog is back.

And now random letters are capitalized in the middle of words for no fucking reason.

Then there's goffic stores in Hogsmeade, a hot guy who works at them who gives Enoby/Ebony a free dress for being so fucking hot, which naturally causes her to swear and curse at him because obviously he's a plant from Voldemort to break her and Draco up…

And the perverts, aka Snape and Loopin, still haven't managed to be committed for their pedophiliac ways.

2208

Degeneration; my brains turning into soup even as I write.

Chapter 17 – rot in hell you fuck.

2211

God has taken pity on me and kept this one mercifully short…and yet, it remains stupid.

So apparently Willow is still sort of alive, at least in name. Or maybe B'loody Mary took her name when she killed her? You know, the whole Chronicles of Riddick thing.

And thin enough to be anorexic is actually a compliment…which it really isn't because I technically fall into this category and let me tell you skeletal does not equal sexy.

Mostly it just equals bony, with sharp edges that people fall on and then complain to you about.

666 makes a reappearance as well as Diablo's alter ego, Diabolo.

And then there's Navel who's going to the concert with B'loody Mart, B'loody Mary's twin…something.

Though how one goes anywhere with a belly button that isn't theirs is beyond me.

Oh, and Navel is a vampire…which I totally did not see coming.

And now Navel is either Dracula or Dracola – the cool new drink for the undead.

Actually, that has market potential…

And now their gpffik which _**isn't even a word!!!**_ Because Draco is driving a Mercedes-Bens, which isn't even a car, which was given to him by his father, Lucian, who **ISN'T EVEN A REAL CHARACTER!!!**

And then it's the return of Voldemort and the Death Deelers who are going to punish Enoby/Ebony for 'thou hast not killethed Vampire/Harry' only a man in a black robe with Avril Lavigne written on the back – who incidentally happens to be Dumblydore – shoots a spell at Voldemort who runs away.

It occurs to me now that my objectivity on this little investigation has been shot to shit.

It also occurs to me I've sworn more times in the past three chapters than I have in the past three months…and it's only been five hours.

2222

Chapter 18.

I will get to Chapter 22 and then…

I think I have to finish this now before I lose my nerve.

2224

It's official; Willow isn't dead…damnit.

And now the author's bad taste has effected the very walls of Hogwarts themselves.

Draco, Vampire, and Dracula are – of course – bi-sexual which prompts a discussion into the hotness of Gerard Way and Mikey and Billie Joe Armstrong.

And now Dumbledore has given in to the darkside…literally.

And for some reason he's now a poser, and so are the Gryffindor's, and then they go to Transformation class where they learn how to be real people…

I wish.

2228

Sugar is the only thing getting me through this – Chapter 19, here I come!

2230

Much to my confusion the MCR concert has yet to occur, despite having already occurred twice in previous chapters.

And now Draco's angsting about how hard his life is which totally pisses Enoby/Ebony off because everybody knows being so fucking perfect abso-fucking-lutley blows.

So Enoby/Ebony goes the bathroom to smoke a cigarette which happens to be weed and then Hargrid apparates into the girls bathroom, because everybody knows you can't apparate anywhere on Hogwarts campus _except _the girls room.

Only Hargrid brings Dumblydore who – shockingly – wants fashion advice because he's going to the MCR concert because everybody else was.

Again, I question the wisdom of putting this idiot in charge of children.

Oh, and Dumblydore has a message – Draco's a got a sur_-prise _for Enoby/Ebony.

Thus endeth the chapter.

2234

Sugar, Sugar is rapidly becoming my theme song.

I've made it to chapter 20! I **deserve **a fucking medal for this.

2236

Get this – apparently Harry/Vampire has a Dogfather.

You know – kind of like Godfather, only furrier.

Cue hysterical laughter.

A dogfather…shit, dude, that's actually funny.

I want one of those now.

2238

We begin with a happy emo-goffik slitting her wrists while moshing out to MCR.

Cue the perverted pedophile Loopin who – innocently enough – only wants to borrow some of Enoby/Ebony's condoms.

Course, this leads to the question – where Enoby/Ebony and Draco practicing safe sex? Cause this is the first I've heard of any condoms.

And suddenly Dobby's a perverted voyeur watching Snake and Loopin have sex outside of Enoby/Ebony's door.

Ludacris idiots makes a return as a completely moronic insult.

Then it's revealed that Snake is now a Gryffindor – because the head of Slytherin can totally change houses on whim like that.

The Lumpkin wants to know why Enoby/Ebony is taking pictures of the two of them naked, so naturally she tells him its blackmail material in case they ever walk in on her and Draco doing it again.

Cue the sexual innuendo's – the author uses the word cum gratuitously here.

However, since the author is only thirteen, she obviously doesn't know what that means.

And 666 is back.

And now Harry has his flying car from his dogfather (this is fucking hilarious – I reiterate: I want one of these).

So they go the concert and naturally, since Enoby/Ebony is so freakin' freaky, she can hear Draco crying in a corner over the sound of a band performing directly in front of her.

2245

Two more chapters and then I'm taking a break.

I highly recommend you do the same.

2246

Interesting note: were you aware you could run in a suicidal way?

I wasn't.

2248

Words…they escape me.

There's nothing you can say that can fully summarize the sheer awfulness of this fic, but that won't stop me from trying.

Draco's upset, which totally turns Enoby/Ebony on because, after all, sensitive bi-guys are so fucking hot.

And then Vampire/Harry offers to cheer Draco up, which pisses Enoby/Ebony off because bi-guys aren't allowed to be bi around her unless it involves some sort of band bonding ritual.

So naturally Vampire/Harry and Enoby/Ebony chase Draco down and end up in a closet where body-swappers Mr. Norris and his cat Filth find them.

Filth goes under the cloak, which is a complete pointless thing since Mr. Norris has this freaky psychic connection with his cat and can see the damn thing nodding under an invisibility cloak – which also happens to be black now.

Of course Vampire/Harry has to French Enoby/Ebony now. And then they run away where Draco and Enoby/Ebony make out on a red gothic bed while selecting movies.

That little Enoby/Ebony – she's so perfect she defies the laws of nature!

And now she sees the future!

Who is the Mystery of Magic?

More importantly – what's a Fug?

2253

CHAPTER 22!!!! I Have ARRIVED!

Thank You, whoever you are!

2254

What is this Stanism? And where can I join?

2255

Erective? Huh?

2256

The Bark Lord – any chance he's related to the Dogfather?

You could make a most excellent parody out of this piece of crap.

2257

So Darkness in Jenny – who I'm thinking is actually Ginny – who obviously has a fucked up personality disorder if she can't even get her name right.

And then there's Crab and Goyle who apparently share a father with Darkness and Diabolo – the original Diablo's alter ego.

And naturally, their father raped them "and stuff" before committing suicide.

So they became goffic and converted to Stanism, which is so fucking cool.

I wish they'd name a religion after me…

And apparently everybody's being erective…which happens to be a real word.

And now we have Dumbledork, Corneilia Fudged, and Doris Rumbrigde who want to close the school because the Bark Lord is coming.

And now Dumbledork is fucking senile – which was fucking obvious from the get-go and still manages to surprise me because the author waited this long to point it out.

Dumbledork should also, apparently, retry.

Though what he should retry remains a complete mystery.

Shockingly, it is revealed that the only person capable of saving the entire school is…

Enony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way.

I wonder if she's related to Enoby/Ebony by any chance?

Maybe she's a third personality we have yet to hear from…

**A/N: **Jesus.

That's it, just…Jesus. You think it can't get any worse and then – suddenly – it does. I'm actually sort of impressed in spite of myself – whoever wrote this was obviously completely delusional.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **You ever heard the expression it only gets worse? That expression was written for the sole purpose of providing a short-hand summary of this fic.

Thanks to MaskOfComedy for their review. Only I'd liken this more to like watching a space-shuttle burn…it just makes you want to cry.

**My Immortal Timeline**

**January 4****th****, 2010 **

**2316 hours**

Have taken a sugar break and a bathroom break.

Will now take a break from my sanity.

**2319**

Rumbridge beeps. Apparently her head doesn't hurt so she's not allowed to swear.

And Enoby/Ebony is actually a man, which explains her emotional depth.

Dumbledore blares at Rumbridge before corrupting her and suddenly I am so glad I discontinued the drinking game…my bladder would be toast by now.

Hell, I would been in the hospital twenty chapters ago…

And who the hell is Ville Vollo?

And where's her perfunctory geddit?

Enoby/Ebony's magical powers are truly astounding – she can tell when people are shooting angrily at each other, not just when they're shooting at each other.

Of course Draco wants to shit next to Enoby/Ebony.

I want to shit on Enoby/Ebony at this point.

So naturally Vampire/Harry and Draco start fighting and Volzemort puts in his mandatory mysteriously-flying-in-out-of-nowhere appearance to warn Enoby/Ebony that he's going to kill Draco if Enoby/Ebony doesn't kill Vampire/Harry.

Only now he's Darth Valer, Darth Vader's cousin.

And of course Volzemort/Darth Valer wants Enoby/Ebony to kill Vampire/Harry even though _**he's in the perfect position to kill the kid right now!**_

So of course Volzemort/Darth Valer flies away cause Dumblydore is obviously too senile to stop him, not to mention Rumbridge.

And then it gets kinky – Draco and Vampire/Harry try to contort Enoby/Ebony.

It is unknown if the are successful in their endeavor.

It is however known that she lives.

Fuckin' hell.

And then Enoby/Ebony has a vision of Volzemort/Darth Valer trying to kill Draco who makes it easier by slitting his wrists in a suicidal way.

Naturally I'm curious as to whether or not there is another way to slit your wrists – say, for instance, in a life affirming way?

This is like calling and ATM an ATM machine – some elaboration is just overkill.

Professor Sinister…I wish I had one of those.

**2329**

Chapter 24…I've moved past the halfway point and am now on the downward facing slope directly into hell.

**2331**

The author has learned a new swear word. How fucking progressive of her.

Apparently Hogwarts now has a class called Deviations, which is so fucking ironic cause I genuinely believe the author was too fucking stupid to _**see **_the irony of it.

Am surprised – for someone who professes enough love for Hot Topic to raise eyebrows, the author still manages to fuck up the name.

Believe the author is perhaps not human – it's impossible to be this fucking stupid and still be alive.

Either that, or a direct defiance of Darwin's Theory of Evolution.

Am comforted – the obligatory geddit has returned.

What's a black leather facet and how does one go about wearing it?

And Congress shoes…that's fucking low. Mangle Harry Potter all you want, but leave the government out of this. You've tormented us enough already.

And of course Enoby/Ebony is exhibited cause Satan knows she can't be excited like the rest of us.

**2336**

One more chapter and I'm so quitting for the day.

I'm going to have nightmares as it stands.

Chapter 25…who the hell let it get this bad?

**2338**

I should have quit last chapter.

Just when you think things can't get stupider…this happens.

Now apparently Sinister is Trevolry, continuing my theory that everybody in this fucking universe has more than one personality.

So Draco spikes cabaret with heroin and gives it to Enoby/Ebony to spork.

Sporking…how the hell does one spork?

Is it a mixture of spooning and forking? Or – dare I say – spooning and fucking?

Maybe sporking is like a whole new version of buttsex.

Maybe sporking is the original version of buttsex.

Of course, the question remains – how does one spoke cabaret and heroin?

Buttsex usually requires a butt…I'm pretty sure.

Draco then proceeds to fly the car into a tree but miraculously – an unfortunately – they survive to make it to the top and do it.

They tile each others cloves fevently, with him removing her blak thong and black leather bar.

What bar?

I don't a bar…unless you count the cabaret with heroin.

And a thong…that totally has to do with your butt, right?

So buttsex – excuse me, sporking – is so in the making here.

So she takes off his boxers and it's the return of the you-know-what – which I STILL don't know what – which goes someplace new this time: her tool.

So Enoby/Ebony has a tool now.

There's just too many things I can do with that…

Henceforth, I propose a second theory in addition to my multiple personality theory – everybody in this fic is also a hermaphrodite.

And now Enoby/Ebony has a psychic vision of a man in black killing Lucian – the strange man who happens to be Draco's father instead of Lucius – and Serious – who is completely new to this story – before climbing into a red car and driving away.

So naturally when she wakes up she tells Draco to get Vampire/Harry because this totally relates to him.

**2347**

Am formerly discontinuing my Investigation until tomorrow.

I've reached the point where no amount of sugar could make me read another word.

Am curious, however, as to whether or not the author had a conscience…

Have decided she didn't. That would require thinking and I put forth this fic as evidence of a complete lack of ever having an intelligent thought on her part.

**A/N: **I tried – honest to God – to finish this all in one day. But I want to be able to sleep tonight and all that sugar and liquids have given me one hell of a stomach ache. Hopefully a good nights sleep will fortify me for tomorrow's torture…


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: **I'm thinking of becoming a masochist. I could use this as a point of reference on my application…

**My Immortal Timeline**

**January 5****th****, 2010 **

**1028 hours**

Having contemplated actually doing something versus the continuation of this…investigation…I have formally decided that I need to finish this damn thing before I lose my nerve.

That said, here's Chapter 26.

Hopefully my memories of how God-awful this fic was were exaggerated.

**1030**

I love how the author feels the need to point out that she's not racist even though she is a Satanist.

It's nice to know she has standards of low to which she won't stoop.

**1032**

A few mutates later…and Enoby/Ebony is, unfortunately, still alive.

Damnit.

I have added to my wardrobe selection wishlist – I want a blak leather Jackson. I have no idea what it is, but I want one.

She misspelled Good Charlotte…she totally can't be a fan anymore.

And now, because I said that, she will tell me to fok myself before slitting her wrist after talking flirtily to Vampire/Harry while sobbing.

Again, her skill set – totally in defiance of logic.

Maybe Enoby/Ebony is the Goddess of Unlogic…

They ran out of the tree and into the castle…unfortunately neither the fall nor the impact with the castle walls killed them.

I'm beginning to think this is the real torture – the author sets up a situation where Enoby/Ebony and the gang do something that would kill a normal person and then they don't fucking die!

And now apparently Dumblydore is royalty, since Draco calls him Sire.

Dumblydore, if Enoby/Ebony is divisional, I'm dropping a nuclear bomb on her ass before she can multiply to two.

One's bad enough.

c is da toot of crakter

I want cheese now, cheese and crackers, cause crakter kind of looks like crackers, and cheese does give people gas.

Maybe this was some sort of subliminal message designed by the author to get the readers to go out and buy shit. Maybe the author really works for an advertising company and this whole thing up till this point was leading up to her telling you, the reader, to go out and get crackers and cheese…

Sneaky, Tara. Very sneaky.

And now Enoby/Ebony isn't decisional, which is a real fucking statement of the obvious – the girl's delusional; she couldn't make a decision to save her life.

Unfortunately, it hasn't come to that yet.

Now we have a new character again – Series.

I have Kawai the dog, Sexah the cat, Gelpin the goldfish, who should Series be?

How about…

I got nothing. I've run out of animals to name. Series can be the tree in my backyard.

Pornto – she came so close to spelling it right.

Freudian slip, anyone?

Longdon…obviously another one.

I'm having flashbacks to Sixteen Candles and the Chinese kid in a tree.

Dude, this could be London's secret porno underbelly, where sex is the coin…Enoby/Ebony would fit right in with someone's thingy going into her you-know-what.

And so Dumblydore sends people out for Series and Lucian so naturally Enoby/Ebony and Draco, who are so fucking depressed, start making out while Vampire/Harry goes up to his room to slit his wrists…

Damnit, I just had warm fuzzy feelings at the thought of cutting myself up.

And so, Lucian and Series arrive and surprise! Professor Sinister is behind them.

What-fucking-ever.

Dude, I rescind my previous statement – I was obviously delusional when I thought that My Immortal couldn't possibly be as bad as I remembered.

It's actually worse.

**1047**

Proceeding to Chapter 27.

At this point, the only thing I'm thankful for is the brevity of the chapters.

**1049**

They're crying happily…that has to be in violation of the goffik code, or, at the very least, Satan can't be very happy about it.

Drako's second personality has come out to play, and Serious, the new guy, gives Enoby/Ebony a hug.

I wonder if he's related to Series at all?

Cum on Enoby…

No thank you – I've seen where she's been.

On the plus side, Sinister's alter ego Sinatra has made an appearance – I wonder if she's related to Frank at all?

I have to tell you the fuking perdition.

WTF?

Perdition?

Utter destruction and eternal damnation…

I think the author just became psychic and caught a glimpse of her future.

Serifs appears – what happened to Serious and Series?

Perhaps Serifs is a third cousin?

So naturally Enoby/Ebony can do things normal people can't, like smell happily.

A black crucible ball.

I honestly can't think of anything to say at this point aside from "_Please_, God, _let it __**end**_!"

And Enoby/Ebony's true name is revealed…Tara.

I wonder if she's related to the author at all?

She peered into da balls.

Wait a second – there's more than one?

Oh, damn, get the nuclear bomb ready – they're divisional again.

A Time-Toner – get fit as you travel back in time.

A Time-Toner will compress you butt, crush your ribs, and generally squish you down to nothingness in two decades or less!

Voldemint had his hearth borken.

Uh, yeah, confession time? That was so totally me. But in my defense, dude has the worst decorating taste ever.

Voldemint – like certs, only…slimier.

Setting aside the impossible task of sedoucing Volxemort, I'm curious: is Enoby/Ebony supposed to bring him back to Sinatra/Sinister's room the next day to either make him fall in love or kill him?

Seems like a waste of a perfectly good Time-Toner – why can't she just kill him then instead of now?

Why couldn't they have all just died then?

Hell, why limit herself to killing just one Dark Lord?

Enoby/Ebony should go back and murder them all – she'd save herself a lot of near death experiences.

Of course, the possibility exists that Enoby/Ebony is aware that – no matter what – she isn't going to die…

Again – what a bitch.

"We did dethz tuch sin"

**If anybody knows what this means, contact me. I'm curious…**

Boldy Mary – any relation to B'loody Mary and her twin, B'loody Mart?

Oh my fucking God.

Sirius – she actually spelled his name right.

If I were reviewing the story, I would so totally praise her right there.

Remember – even Simpletons need to know they've done good every once in a while.

Apparently they were cheesing Enoby/Ebony's name.

See, people – advertising and subliminal messaging at work…

Mr. Noris looks happy which is pretty impressive considering he technically doesn't exist.

Goyke. I think I'll name my pet mouse that.

Wesley's Whizard Wises.

I got hand it to her – it takes real pizzaz to misspell with such blatant disregard.

It makes me seriously think that perhaps the author had some mental deficit going for her.

Well, if she didn't at the beginning, she definitely had one by the end.

Invisibility Coke – the poor man's crack.

It's like snorting air!

**1110**

I shall persevere – though I've already had to take a sugar break.

Chapter 28…words escape me.

And apparently you as well…

**1112**

Obviously the author has never seen a real porn video.

And naturally in addition to a completely pointless description of her outfit, we get a special treat with the mentioning of her thong.

Obviously the damn thing is just a little too tight – it's cut off circulation to her brain, which appears to be located in her vagina.

Oh – I'm sorry – her you-know-what/thingy/tool.

Better?

Dispersedly…she's coming dangerously close to divisional again.

Am looking up nuclear bombs on e-bay…

Albastard – add one more L and you have a pretty accurate summarization of the whole crew.

So naturally – as a Satanist – she has crosses painted on her fingernails…in red.

You can't see me, but right now my expression is torn between confusion and murderous hostility.

Draco's hung like a Stallone…having never actually seen one naked, I'm just gonna take your word for it.

New word – spock.

What the hell is a spock?

I'm assuming that Draco isn't walking around with a Star Trek character between his legs.

If he is, though – I can totally understand the suicidal tendencies now.

It has to hurt like a bitch having a hundred plus pounds of weight attached to your dick.

And it's the return of the you-know-what…

You know what?

I don't know what a you-know-what is but if I ever find out, I'm getting rid of mine. I don't care how attached it is – my brain's too psychologically traumatized to handle being reminded of this piece of shit.

So naturally, his spock goes in her you-know-what (insert rabid growling here) and they passively do it while Vampire/Harry video tapes, which is cool, because Enoby/Ebony said it was okay ahead of time.

It's that damn telepathy of hers…

Am having flashbacks to Voldemort and his 'telekinesis'.

They purchase an orgasm before Snope and McGoggle once more interrupt.

Snope.

Any relation to Snape?

Hell, at least McGoggle is putting in a reappearance instead of shoving one of her oddly named cousins into the hot seat.

Maybe that's why none of the characters names are spelled correctly…they've just been recruiting erstwhile relatives to take their place because remaining in this travesty is just too damn much for them.

Even the Bark Lord has his limits, I guess.

**1122**

I have reached the 29th Chapter…only fifteen more to go.

**1124**

(geddit koz hes a sexbom lol tom felnot rulez 4 lif but nut as muxh as gerard ur sex on legz I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111)

I think someone should send this to Gerard Way, whoever he is.

They should sign it 'Ur Lurving Staker, 4 Nut bond Helways'.

Include chocolates just for the hell of it.

And don't forget to fill them with blood!

**1126**

I normally start at the top of the chapter and work my way down, but I just can't this time.

Who the hell is Evergreen?

Seriously – Evergreen?

Enoby/Ebony's cousin, maybe?

Whoever she is she better run before the author can get a hold of her again – Snape has whips now.

Going back to the top, they scream 'Oh My Satan' naturally because they're Satanists…duh.

They jamped – which is a relation to jumping only louder.

Then Snap – Snape's little brother – and McGoonagle – who wasn't fast enough to get away from McGoggle – start to shoot angrily.

Again, I marvel at Enoby/Ebony's ability to detect emotional valence in the sound of gunshots.

Then Preacher McGongel – McGoonagle's father – orders the three of them to Cum now, which leads me to believe he's a preacher of the devil, naturally.

And then there's caramel (kinky) which Snoop – Snape and Snoop Dogg's half brother – puts in his pocket for later, of course.

Apparently the Mystery of Mogic thinks Dumblehor – Dumblydore and Dumbledore's hooker cousin – is crazy, so no way will pedophiliac Snoop go to St. Mungos.

McGoggle – who, bless her, is a little slow and didn't quite manage to get away from McGoonagle and McGongel fast enough – returns and orders them to shut their mputh's, because they're inlosent fools.

Even the insults are trying to get away here.

And then McGoggle – who's obviously a pervert – orders them to cum again in a white room with weird rocks.

So Draco's sexitive, which is like sensitive, only sexier…

Right Said Fred is thinking of doing a remake for their song now…

And now it's ghetto-style – Vampire/Harry and Snoop are shooting it out.

It's no surprise they're not getting anywhere, though, since ballots are notoriously not very aerodynamic.

So Enoby/Ebony casts a Crosio – which makes me think of crabs for some odd reason.

But Snap – who got shoved back in by Snoop – has run out of ballots so Enoby/Ebony stops the curse.

McGoogle – McGoggle's brother – casts a spell to chain them all up because, naturally, Enoby/Ebony still has her wand but is too stupid to know what to do with it.

Serverus gets told my McGoogle that she (apparently even though McGoogle is McGoggle's brother, the author still maintains that he's a she) is leaving.

Cue the whips.

This isn't S&M – this is torture plain and simple.

**1140**

Chapter 30 and then I'm taking a break.

Anybody who's read this all in one sitting….

ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?????!!!!!

**1142**

Logic…brain…dribbling…primordial ooze…

Kill me.

Please?

Snap loafs, which sounds like a cross between a Little Debbie and a Rice Krispies commercial.

Apparently anvilly is now an adjective.

The author has superpowers here, obviously – she's making up words that don't even exist and using them.

Obviously she's a villain.

So where's the superhero come to slay her?

Honestly?

I don't think anybody's brave enough to try.

Darko – Draco's last-minute replacement – has Snap come tords him.

Is it sad that I actually understood that one?

Snoop has returned and apparently has a Dork Mark on his you-know-what…

You know what?

I'm gonna cut it off.

Stump is starting to sound like a blessing to me.

And Snoop – bless his dork little heart – obviously isn't too bright cause he gives Enoby/Ebony a knife.

Course, fact is, Enoby/Ebony ain't too bright either.

So Snoop's going to rap Draco, which is horrible…

And now Draco looks like a shape for Satan only knows what reason – which totally turns Enoby/Ebony on and gives her flashbacks to all the good times (abortive as they were) she and Draco as well as the smexy Vampire/Harry had.

And then Snipe – the erstwhile idiot-cousin of Snoop – starts preying to Volxemort – Voldemort's slightly less evil and more goffik second cousin – while dancing an incapacitation dance – which, sadly, failed to work – and whipping Draco and Vampire/Harry around the stokes.

What stokes?

So Enoby/Ebony completely pulls out all the stops here and actually has a thought, which she communicates telepathically to Drako – who lost the thumb war with Draco – and Vampire/Harry – who apparently can't find anybody to take his place – in an effort to get them to destruct Snape – who never saw Snipe coming.

Meanwhile, Draco – who lost the rematch to Drako – shoots at Snape, threatening him with Dumbeldork – Dumblydore's evil alter ego.

And Enoby/Ebony gets her wand – which nobody was apparently smart enough to take away from her.

Which, again, doesn't matter, because Enoby/Ebony is incapable of intelligent thought.

She probably forgot what the damn thing was for five seconds after getting it…

So Snoop – who's getting really pissed because people keep catching his sorry ass – calls them Donnderheds – a word that was rudely awakened from it's slumber in the pits of chaos and thrust into this story without so much as a by-your-leave.

So Snoop doesn't yell – he yields. Which prompts him to remove Drico's clothes, which is really sad cause Drico isn't even related to anybody – he took a wrong turn on his way to a product placement meeting and now some wannabe gangster is removing his clothes and getting his dork mark decorated you-know-what ready for penetration…

Enoby/Ebony – who seems unaware that her boyfriend is desperate to get away from her – manages to point her wound at Snoop and sound Crosio, which is apparently an affront of Snoop's delicate sense of grammar since it sends him screming around the room at a run.

Now, Enoby/Ebony decides this is a perfect time to defy the laws of Hogwarts and uses her blak mobile to txt Serious – who has yet to escape – before stopping her crucio (so _that _was what it was…) on Snoop.

So Snape has returned to threaten Enoby/Ebony – not because she crucio'd his cousin, but because she somehow managed to drag him back into this sorry-ass excuse for a fanfic – only Serverus – in defiance of the unspoken rule that there can only be one misspelled version of a main character in one place at one time – makes an entrance.

Snake – the S&M dom who sincerely thought this whole thing was just a game – wisely hides his whip behind his bak.

He then addresses Sev – who's very confused because he's not supposed to be here since Snake is here right now – and states he was teaching them something – which he was _going _to before Enoby/Ebony got out that dratted txt message.

Lusian stumbles into the story here for no real apparent reason other then the fact that he lost a bet with Lucian. Professor Trevolry joins him, bringing Serious with her so they can lock up Snap before Trevolry invites Enoby/Ebony to come – this time in a strictly non-sexual way.

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

**1204**

Somehow, what started as a simple investigation has morphed into a major dissing.

I should feel bad about it…but I don't.

Will be taking a short thirty minute or so break while I attempt selective amnesia to erase the last hour and a half from my mind.

**A/N: **Despite the sheer atrocity of this fic, I actually had fun, especially with the last chapter. I think the noxious fumes are getting to me…


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: **It's almost over with…thank God.

**My Immortal Timeline**

**January 5****th****, 2010 **

**1303 hours**

So I took a little bit of a longer break…you're acting like that's a bad thing.

Have officially decided that once I'm done with this, am going to delete the history on my computer in its entirety.

May I never be able to find this fic again.

**1305**

Never mind. I can't do this.

It's just – I can't…

Give me another hour or two.

**1318**

What's a quieph?

Am cooking and reading at the same time in an effort to ensure that only half my brain gets neutered by this mess.

Am uncertain if this strategy will be successful.

**1321**

Will require a marked loss of intelligence in order to fully comprehend this fic.

Bitca…I think I'll name Goyke's sister that.

Serious has returned as has a very a put out Snape – but never fear! Within one line, Snape manages to hijack Snap into taking his place.

blak Volremortserum

It's like…

Sorry, all I can think of is Voldemort Cum…only blak. Cause it's so goffik.

Dude should definitely get that shit checked out.

It _can't _be healthy.

Serverous replaces Serious – because the damn dude cannot run to save his life.

Course Snap remains because dude's a masochist and kind of likes this fic.

And now we have Luscious, Lucian and Lusian's drag queen cousin.

Sinister returns with Lucian, who does a quick body swap with Luscious.

And Snape returns and confesses everything with the vain hope that they'll kill him so he never has to come back to this goddamn hell-pit-in-the-making.

And – success! – Vampire/Harry succeeds in procuring a replacement – Vampure.

Sinister mysteriously gets replaced by Trevolry who takes them to a dark room with MCR and Nirvana poster that fucking _move _so Enoby/Ebony can go back in time and Sedouce the Volxemort, which strikes me as completely pointless since _he's _not the next Bark Lord.

So naturally Darkness, Willow, and Hermione/B'loody Mary come and help Enoby/Ebony get all slutted up for Volxemort…because it's degenerated to the point where Enoby/Ebony is literally too stupid to dress herself.

And by this point I sincerely wish that this whole thing was a deliberate fuck-up designed to screw with our heads because – Jesus – if somebody wrote this being in a serious and earnest frame of mind, the human race is doomed.

WHAT THE FUCK!!!

Sinister is back – where the hell did Trevolry go?

These two…tricky bitches.

I wish I could pull off a disappearing act like them.

And Sinister gives Enoby/Ebony a blak gun…because we've acknowledged at this point that Enoby/Ebony is incapable of doing actual magic. The only reason people scream when she curses them is because their brains immediately start to protest and try and run away in the face of her complete lack of logic and improper use of _any _correct grammar.

And the Time-Toner has been replaced by the Time-Tuner…just in case you go deaf from all the screaming.

deth's touch sin

It's back…and I still don't know what it means.

And – of course – since Enoby/Ebony is just so fucking special, she jumps sexily into a pensive.

Pause here – does the author even know what a pensive is? Is she aware that jumping into one doesn't constitute as jumping back in time?

Also, she does realize (and I'm reaching here, because at this point, I don't think the _author _has had an intelligent thought so far) that there's really no point in giving Enoby/Ebony a Time-whatever if she's just gonna fuck things up anyway by using a pensive.

And then – for no apparent reason – some guy named Tom Bombodil appears.

Who the fuck is Tom Bombodil and does he realize the danger he's in?

**1338**

Am no longer amused…have reached the point of near-homicide.

At this point, I don't think killing myself would even make a dent in the mental damage this craptastic word-jumble has caused me.

Chapter 32…is it just me, or is this fic deliberately getting worse?

**1340**

Was eating.

Choked on a noodle.

Sadly, I survived.

**1342**

I'm actually crying right now.

It's just so gawdawful, I literally can't take it.

Apparently Tom's middle name is Satan.

What do you know! So is the authors!

And Green Day (spelled Gren Day for you goffs) apparently exists now because Evanescence (evinezenz) and MCR (?) don't exist yet.

And apparently Satan's a fan.

Of course, naturally, GC exists even though the bad members are babies at this point.

Logic: who gives a fuck!

Hogsment.

Apparently Hogsmeade was Hogsment until 2000 and Satan knows this because he's telekinetic…

O_-kay._

Hot Topic was Hot Ishoo (bless you) until 1998 and Satan naturally is aware of this fact because he's _**the devil**_.

And apparently this helps Enoby/Ebony find her way in life, because the sun has become covered with clouds and she can see the darkness now!

Shme.

What's a Shme?

Whatever it is – it's now the name of my pet turtle.

Sexah the cat, Kawai the dog, Gelpin the goldfish, Series the tree, Goyke the mouse, Bitca, Goyke's sister mouse, and Shme, the turtle.

I'm running out of places to put everyone.

Geddit makes a return and I experienced a moment of homicidal urges – I was five seconds away from picking up my computer and chucking it at the wall.

Enoby/Ebony smells happili again, while Dumblydore flys through the halls and yells at them because their stupid goffs.

Am having a surreal moment – cannot fully comprehend that something this stupid actually exists.

Am beginning to believe in the Matrix and wish desperately for a glitch that mysteriously locates me two days in the past.

The Bark Lord gets replaced by the barke lord and Tom is confused which is okay – so is everybody else.

And suddenly a chasm opens beneath Enoby/Ebony, sucking her down into the lowest pits of hell where she burns for eternity all while screaming about how fucking horrible it is being so fucking perfect…

Sorry, wistful thinking on my part.

A chasm opens, Enoby/Ebony falls while people look at her weirdly because – hello – she's interrupting their routines.

And Satan, because he's such a cool guy, isn't even all that upset.

He just wants to know where she's going.

And then she'd back in Professor Trevolry's classroom with the Pensive and Dumblydore who's there for no real fucking reason.

And Sinister returns as the dominate personality and just happens to be really confused as to why Enoby/Ebony is in her classroom.

I'm confused as to why Enoby/Ebony exists at all.

And now Enoby/Ebony is pissed off because Sinister forgot about her – how fucking tragic.

I'd like to know how Sinister accomplished it, though, strictly for research purposes only, naturally…

So Sinister is addicted to Voldemort's cum – I mean voldemortserum.

And so she cries tears of blood, which fascinate Dumblydum – the idiot cousin of Dumblydore.

Course Sinister and Enoby/Ebony yell at him to fuck off (bonus points here: she spelled both words correctly! Cookie time!)

And it's the return of limpid tears.

**1358**

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…

I'm losing it. That last chapter actually seemed _interesting _to me.

**1400**

_Strut Miss Lucy, Strut Miss Lucy, Strut Miss Lucy, all night long._

_Here comes another one, just like the other one, here comes another one, all night long._

Here comes another one, just like the other one is the key phrase here.

**1404**

Screw this. You get the next chapter when I get my sanity back.

_**I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!!!!**_

**A/N: **Honest to God, it's like pulling teeth. Just when you think you're in too much pain to go on, it gets worse.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH THIS CHICK???!!!

And why couldn't one of her suicide attempts have been successful…


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: **I've ingested cheese and chocolate as fortification for Chapter 33 which – in my opinion – is the worst chapter ever.

**My Immortal Timeline**

**January 5****th****, 2010 **

**1437 hours**

Chapter 33…while every chapter in this story deserves to die a creative death, this one deserves every torment anybody could think of.

St. Mangas…I wonder if they're taking commitment applications…

Egogy – finally! Enony/Ebony's alter ego!

Maybe she's why this chapter was so bad…

Tom Andorsen – yet another hapless victim of the author's cruel snatch and grab ways.

Poor dude has no idea what hit him.

HAH!

Draco's so the bitch in this relationship. He wears a giant t-shirt to bed and nothing else…

Panamas – like pajamas, only more culturally aware.

And naturally, Draco wants to know how far Enony/Ebony went with Satan – because everybody now knows that Tom's middle name is Satan.

I mean, come on – why start with the logic now?

I love this – Enony/Ebony borks.

What the hell is a bork?

And Draco – the sick fuck – wants to know how far Enony/Ebony's planning on going with Satan.

Voyeuristic pervert…

So Enony/Ebony shoots at him, feels remorse, and frenches him.

And then – naturally – she's curious as to what happened to Snipe – who appeared briefly a while ago before running – I mean vanishing – off into the sunset.

And to reiterate – Draco's the bitch in this relationship.

He giggles mistressly.

Then Serious – who's just plain pissed he got dragged back into the bumfuck – is pokering Snap – who wishes he could just fucking die already – and Lumpkin – who miraculously managed to avoid being caught for the past ten chapters or so.

Serious sucks Lumpkin's blood while Enony/Ebony laughs statistically.

Statistically…

On this one, I'll concede a point – statistics are sadistic, so the words can be interchangeable…this one time.

Enony/Ebony takes some photons and I'm having Star Trek flashbacks.

(ok I no dis iz men but fink abot it ppl dey r pedoz nd Snap trid 2 rap dem and neway sadiztz rok haz any1 seen shrak atak 3 lolz)

Justification for her death – see above.

And now Snipe is back, so Enony/Ebony and Draco take some of his blood – because it's so much tastier than any of the other pseudo-Snapes – before heading up to their room.

So in **continued defiance of all logic **Enony/Ebony and Draco changes into clean clothes before proceeding to take them off to have sex.

??????????

WHY GOD? WHY?

Now Draco has wetness – he really should get that checked out.

And the you-know-what has been replaced by it's shorthand cousin, u-know-what.

Neither of them are happy to be here.

And then – for no apparent reason and in continued defiance of actual thought – Enony/Ebony guts an orgy.

_That _had to be painful.

She screems passively – a real skill set. Every time they have sex she manages to operate in both emotional extremes without ever actually switching.

One of them has to be Enony's reaction and the other Ebony's. Throw in any third action on their part, and you get Egogy.

What's an eructation?

Can you buy it on e-bay?

Turns out nuclear weapons are a big no-no.

"I luv u TaEbory." he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol.

You know, the more I read, the more I'm beginning to think this is a masterpiece – Tara was obviously a troll.

She had to have been – whether or not it was intentional on her part remains a mystery.

**1456 **

Chapter 34.

Hopefully it's better – and I use that term lightly – than 33.

**1459**

O.M.F.G…

Sodomize…I think I'll name my pet Snake that.

Here Sodomize…I've got a nice warm hole for you to crawl into…

**1500**

I can't breath…too fucking stupid…

I've run out insults – I have nothing worse I can say.

Excuse me while I go find a thesaurus.

**1501**

We begin with a needless description of Enony/Ebony's outfit, which is made exceptionally worse by the fact that nothing she's wearing actually exists – I've never heard of a korset and have no idea what bo-ots are.

Then – without warning – Sorious – the dumb fuck who got caught by Serious – knocks on the door, only Enony/Ebony knew it was him because she's fucking telepathic, dudes.

And Ibony – whoever the hell that is – answers the door.

Sinistor – Sinister's brother – wants to see her.

Snipe and Loopin are in fucking Abkhazian – the middle eastern version of it's magical counterpart – singing praises to Allah because – thank fuck – they're out of this fic.

They don't even mind that Sorious tortured them, they're that fucking happy.

Statistic's returns – the sadistic piece of shit.

Vampure managed to hijack Vampira – and she it _not _happy about it.

And this is – without a doubt – the best fuck-up of a name: Sorious has become Sodomize.

I think, dear reader, that this was the point where all the negative attentions from the reviewers thrust itself back upon the author who correctly interpreted this overwhelming wave of reviews as an extreme desire to do **grievous bodily harm.**

To bad we failed…

Sinister returns, only this time she's drinking Volximortserum, because the other stuff is for pussies.

The Time-Tuner has been replaced by the Time-Torner – which rips through time.

And Sinister needs a cure for her addiction to the cum of strange men…

And so – in continued defiance of canon – Enony/Ebony jumps back into the pensive (which is spelled wrong every time following the first) and ends up in the Grate Hall eating Count Chorcula – Count Chocula's slowest cousin.

Props – it takes real skill to catch a genuine vampire _**and **_eat him.

Naturally she's sitting next to Satan and of course there's a gottik man on the table – ready to replace Count Chorcula once Enony/Ebony is finished eating him.

Pail skin – buckets of skin, maybe?

Cronvrese shoes…

No way would those go with my Jackson…

Charlyn Manson.

SEE!

This fic had gotten so bad even the _**real **_people are struggling to get away!

Drinking a portent.

Huh? What? Portent?

Slutborn – Sodomize's sister/wife.

Oh! Portents! Apparently it's a class, now, that Slutborn teaches.

Marilyn Manson is playing in Hogsmeade – wait, whoa, back-up!

Hogsmeade? I thought it was Hogsment?

Didn't it not become Hogsmeade until 2000?

Those fuckers are defying their _**own **_canon…**AGAIN!**

The Exercise movie.

Must be one hell of a scary flick.

Sweat, exercise, movement…oh the horror…

And Enony/Ebony is once more contorted.

Maybe this time she'll finally die.

**1518**

Chapter 35…any pleasure I got from dissing this fic dried up hours ago.

Right now, I'm too busy praying for divine intervention.

**1519**

I've officially declared a two chapter limit on this shit.

Anything beyond that sucks out my soul bit by bit until I am nothing inside…

**A/N: **Each new chapter is a new brand of torture. I just – it's just – I can't –


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: **Got kicked out of my nesting place in order for someone to make dinner…have moved back into bedroom and – lacking any other options – have decided to give this another go.

**My Immortal Timeline**

**January 5****th****, 2010 **

**1644 hours**

Chapter 35 = Masterpiece.

I don't think a single word is spelled correctly in the first six paragraphs…

**1646**

Scene: Author is staring at her computer screen…reading…her expression, which was resigned, dips after the first paragraph…falls after the second…tears form in her eyes by the third…she's crying by the fourth…and by the end…

Author: _Ohhhhhh myyyyyy Godddd…_

Conmen room.

I want one of those.

So Enoby/Ebony is thinking of Satan and spots Draco in the Conmen room.

What's a Lonken Park?

Sounds kind of like a sandwich…

And Lucan makes his entrance – he, unfortunately – is young and stupid – when Lucian and Lusian approached him about an offer he couldn't refuse, he – well – didn't even think to refuse.

Bet that bitch is regretting that now…

And Lucan – for reasons unexplained to the reader – surprisingly has two arms.

And here I thought everybody in the Harry Potter universe only had one.

Taking a step back into the future – when the hell did Lucian or Lusian or Lucious lose their fucking arm?

Huh?

And Lusian – who has a conscience and also lost a bet with Lucian – replaces Lucan – who's running as fast as he can _away _from this monstrosity.

And Serious – the poor schmuck – is stuck here again so naturally he's kutting.

And of course, Snap – because the dude just _**loves **_it here.

Good Chralootte…

Good Charlotte's precursor, I guess.

Marylin Manson, Marilyn Manson's mother, undoubtedly.

XBlakXTearX

I would like a pronunciation guide, please. I think I can mumble my way through the letters, but it's the X's that really stump me up…

And then – randomly and for no apparent reason which is the sole basis on which this universe operates – Spartacus makes his grand entrance.

Only Spartacus is apparently Lusian which just plain pisses me off – the author is breaking her own rules of character misspellings right here!

I mean come _on. _

Spartacus doesn't even come close to being Lusian!

Maybe this was Spartacus's way of being a hero; busting in in an attempt to totally annihilate this bitch from existence.

Alas – poor Spartacus – he lasts a single sentence before he's promptly butt-kicked out.

Jamez…the new guy. Who also happens to go by the nickname Samaro, after Samara in the Ring…a movie that doesn't even exist yet.

You know, if she's gonna start adding nicknames into this fucked up affair, I'm lodging a formal complaint – it's hard enough keeping track of who's who when everybody and their brother keeps switching places.

How the hell am I supposed to keep them straight when random nicknames/pet names/people in general start making appearances?

I'm beginning to think you have to be of divine origins to be able to comprehend this story.

Dethz tuch sin

Alright – that's _**it!**_

**What the fuck does this mean?**

**I can't even come up with one idea!**

Lucian is back now and sad because their lead singer committed suicide by slitting her rists – the only smart person this entire fic and wouldn't know it – she's dead.

Contempted suicide; one step up from just regular plain ol' attempting to kill yourself.

Side note: why is it so fucking sad when somebody kills themselves by slitting your wrists?

I keep half expecting someone – anyone – in this fic to rise up whenever some intelligent human being successfully manages to die in this fic and start screaming "Praise be to Satan!"

Gren Day has morphed into Gurn Day, which is just freakin' great.

Enopby….

I have my eyes closed in the vain hope that I could unsketch that word from my mental chalkboard.

Right now, I'm thinking endoscopy, which naturally leads to thoughts of colonoscopies, which makes me thinking of taking it up the ass, which is what reading _**Every. Single. Word.**_ of this fic feels like..

Lucian, Samoro, Serious and Snap…At last, consistency – all four have managed to last for at least eight lines.

It's a fucking miracle.

So naturally she's a great singer, gets in the band, but – alas – she needs a fucking hot new outfit before she can perform with them.

So she wanders outside…

And I'm waiting for the bus to appear out of nowhere and mow her down…

And suddenly Morty Mcfli makes an appearance.

Of course, it's okay – he's dressed like a goff.

And sends Enoby/Ebony forward in time because…

Who needs a fucking reason for anything anymore?

**1706**

I will make an attempt at 36.

Key word: _attempt._

**1710**

One Chapter limit now.

As I approach the end, things just keeping stupider and stupid and my breaks for regaining my sanity get longer and longer…

**A/N: **I can't do two chapters anymore – the strain of trying to comprehend complete and utter stupidity is too much.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: **I have decided it's best to work on this in the morning before reality sets in and I remember – for real – how truly horrible this fic is. The more I think about it, the more I think this was someone's deliberate troll and you know what?

I still want to kill them.

**My Immortal Timeline**

**January 6****th****, 2010 **

**0920 hours**

Chapter 36…

It occurs to me, as I get closer and closer to the end, instead of feeling relieved, I'm filled with dread.

This thing reminds me of one of those truly creepy jack-in-the-box type things. You slowly scroll forward with creepy music playing the background, your heart racing and with audible whimpering as you are unable to fully contain your horror at the sight of what's in front of you, and the music crescendos, your heart beat triples, and suddenly –

Your head explodes.

**0926**

Must look up the spelling of Hot Topic. Have a sneaking suspicion the author may be spelling it correctly…

**10 seconds later**

Thank fucking God…

She isn't.

**0927**

Computer has gone wonky.

Am suspicious as to why…

**0929**

My first impulse is to say 'Now class, let's start with the obvious mistakes and work our way out from there.'

My second impulse is to whimper – as far as I can tell, **the entire thing **is an obvious mistake.

First, Enoby/Ebony is looking around in a depressed way, which surprisingly…doesn't surprise me.

By this point, I'm starting to wish everybody in this fic was truly bi-polar, like Dumblydore. Then maybe we could have goffiks kutting their wrists with truly delighted smiles on their faces, which would be an accurate summation of how the audience looks whenever the possibility of one of these man-made monsters dying is written in…

And Sinister returns! But wait – what's this?

B'lody Mary, B'loody Mary's evil alter ego (the Bible-thumping bitch) has thrust herself into the story in a vain effort to convert Enoby/Ebony and her schizophrenic crew from their Satanic ways!

And then, for no apparent reason, Socrates puts in an appearance.

It is unknown if he intentionally wandered into this fic or if he has joined Tom Andorsen and company as one of the befuddled masses who's been unceremoniously pulled from real life to put in a cameo appearance.

Maybe all these people have publicists who contact Tara once they realized how atrocious this thing was so they could put their people in it because – after all – bad press is still press!

Enoby/Ebony – the bitch – completely ignores Socrates, however, and addressed Sorious – who has no idea how he ended up back here. One second he was sleeping, the next – bam! The last reincarnation of Sirius blasted him upside the head and sent his befuddled ass into the next chapter in his place.

Samoro and Snip are mentioned in passing, for which they are both eternal grateful for, Sorious becomes Serious, which is a change for him – mostly he can only pull of desperate and needy.

Trevolry has unceremoniously put the beat down on dominate personality Sinister so she can continue to drink Volxemort's cum and swear unabashedly at students with zero consequences because she's so fucking badass.

And Enoby/Ebony puts forth the real reason she came back to the future – shopping!

I'm cringing even as I type.

And B'lody Mary – the bible-thumping bitch – is so overcome by the evilness that is Enoby/Ebony – she blindly goes along with the shopping thing in an effort to avoid committing a cardinal sin and killing herself right here and now.

And it occurs to me, I've written 3 pages on six lines of text.

SIX LINES!!!!!!

So after B'lody Mary abandons her Bible to cling blindly to the hope that she'll get shoved out of this fic by a miracle of God, she naturally suggests a shopping session at Hot Topik, which is like Hot Topic, only less grammatically correct.

They sell New Moo T-shirts as well as every version of every misspelled band name that has ever been mentioned in this fic.

Good Chralotte, here I come!

And then Trevolry – who miraculously has managed to maintain control over the body she and Sinister seem to be sharing – suggests a groop kutting session.

I am so into that right now…only how about I'm the only one with a knife and everybody closes their eyes?

Except Enoby/Ebony of course.

I want to look that bitch in the eye while I'm carving out her heart…

So naturally, everybody is like, so fucking excited about the groop kutting session, but remember – you need potions to help Trevolry (who has miraculously stayed in place the last three times she's been mentioned!) overcome her addiction to volxemortserum…and it has gotten so bad and I've been doing this for so long, I no longer require copy and paste to write what she typed.

God help me.

And naturally here whichever version of Draco we last saw decided to take a break and Darko – Donnie's cousin – happily takes his place cause the kid has been off his medication for weeks now which is how he managed to slink from the real world into this walking talking delusion.

And so the gang proceed to walk sexily – because walking normally is so totally prep – into Potionz class (I wonder if this is related to Portent class?) where they are subsequently surprised that Snap isn't teaching…in spite of the fact that Snap is currently hanging out in the middle east, converted to being a Muslim, and too busy praying to Allah that he never ends up back in Hell to do much more than whimper at the mention of his name.

Snape – of course – has long since abandoned this universe for a nicer one.

Dogma, anyone?

He may not be anatomically correct but hell, let's face it – after being forced by the author to masticate while video taping a seventeen year old trying to kill herself with a silver knife and raw meat and then having a house elf watch you either be sodomize or sodomize one of your readily confessed worst enemies, having your junk removed seems like the least God could do to make up for everything.

And then there's Cornelio Fuck.

Most people don't realize this, but there should be quotation marks around the word "Fuck!"

You see, Cornelio has a small gift of premonition and when he saw this one coming, he had just enough time to cuss before he was jammed into Enoby/Ebony's world.

And naturally, because Snap isn't there, Draco – who's angry at this point because none of his escape attempts have been successful – demands to know what Cornelio did with Dumblydore…

Words escape me. Literally.

I can see them running away right now…

And now Cornelio had experienced a spontaneous sex change, turning him into Cornelia, which prompts another fuck.

And Dumblydore – bless him – managed to escape to the middle east where another one of Snape's alter egos, Snip, is waiting for him with Loopin so they can praise Allah together.

And so Enoby/Ebony and her friends talk angrily, but then Vampire/Harry is surprisedly!

And Cornelio, who's real last name happens to be Fuk, decides to go find somebody named Bridge to take his place and happily escapes.

And Hargrid is in the cupboard. Which prompts angry shouting because – what the fuck is Hardgrid doing in a cupboard?

We are then subjected to the random realization that Draco is shexier den eva while Enoby/Ebony drinks blood mixed with beer.

She's English, for fucks sake! (I think…I hope and pray she is)

Be realistic – give her some tea to mix with her blood.

It's better warm, anyway.

So Hargrid – by this point – has come to the realization that Enoby/Ebony is the Devil, and attempts to kill her with poison.

Alas – Vampire/Harry and Draco discover his attempt and get pissed off because – hell – _**they **_wanted to be the ones to do it.

So they beat him up sexily.

Jesus. At this point, the description is moot.

Everything anybody does is either done sexily, angrily, while depressed, or suicidally.

Drop the sexily and replace it with homicidally and you basically get ever readers feelings while imbibing on this piece of shit.

And then Hargrid is a posr, naturally, who's trying to give Enoby/Ebony Amnesia Portion.

It's like Amnesia Potion, only smaller.

And the reader is left with the question…why?

And how the hell can Enoby/Ebony tell what kind of portion it is?

Telekinesis – one of the greatest deux ex machinas that ever came to be.

**1007**

Am angry enough to proceed on to the next chapter.

Do not expect this to last.

**1009**

Have to go swab my brain.

Will be back in four hours.

**A/N: **I'm going to go work out all my pent up aggression and rage now. I thought I was at just the right level of pissed to proceed and it turns out, well, I'm not. Apparently the only thing that motivates me onwards is temporary amnesia.

Never fear! I want to have this finished today! Cause I have school next week and will require at least three days to recover the basic semblances of sanity.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: **Write one hour, procrastinate four…or five…or six.

**My Immortal Timeline**

**January 6****th****, 2010 **

**1511 hours**

By Chapter 36 I think my brain threw up it's hands and said 'Aw, fuck it'.

That's right, people – I am currently operating sans my mind.

**1512**

We begin by the author announcing to us that she's going on Vocation – though why anybody would hire her is beyond me.

**1514**

Author: Oh my – what – what – huh – ohh – geezus.

I've figure out the whole two emotional extremes at one time thing.

I am _laughing_ because this is so fucking stupid while simultaneously _crying_ because – geezus – this is _**so fucking stupid.**_

I think the reason that it's actually getting worse is because at this point her brain cells said "If you're not going to kill us, we'll do the job ourselves."

That's right – her brain committed gradual suicide which led the degeneration of My Immortal as well as the setting of a precedence for the readers.

Lead by example, after all.

We begin with Darko – Donnie and Draco's shared cousin, apparently – being unceremoniously thrust into the position of first person point of view.

Don't worry, Darko, your spotlight only lasts nine lines and then you get to leave.

So Vampire/Harry and Darko chain Hairgrid to the floor…kinky.

And then they completely forget about him for which he is eternally thankful for.

Enoby has a thought – I know, a miracle in and of itself. Don't worry, though – it's not a particularly bright one.

"Let's use the Amnesia Potion to make Satan fall in love with me faster…"

Sure, why not?

Lord only knows your charming personality only goes so far.

Excuse, _Satan _only knows.

Now I'm confused – when they reference Satan are they talking about the Bark Lord, or the devil?

And by this point – does it really matter?

They're all Satan's creatures, after all, even the author.

And now Vampire/Harry called Enoby/Ebony a boob, which is wildly appropriate given the fact that breasts appear to be the only thing attractive about her to boys.

Am simply surprised it took this long for Vampire/Harry to catch on.

Would like to take a short break here to ask a question – the lol's are rhetorical, right?

Or did the author really think it was funny to switch views/give Enoby/Ebony an actual thought?

Actually, the idea of Enoby/Ebony thinking _is _kind of funny…

And now we are reintroduced to Britney – hereunto referred to as That Fucking Prep, capital letters and all.

That Fucking Prep (TFP for short) is either extremely intelligent or not to bright, though.

On the one hand, she finds Enoby/Ebony and crew very frightening, which could be because Britney might actually be the only individual willing to provide in-story commentary attempting to warn people away from this black-hole-of-intelligent-thought.

On the other hand, TFP could just be an idiot who's supposed to think Enoby/Ebony and crew are scary because they're so fucking goffik.

So they go to Professor Trevolry's room, who has miraculously managed to maintain her place in this story for at least four name drops. Alas, she is replaced by Siniater – who moonlights as a politician when he's not acting in jacked-up pre-teen fantasy's – while Draco – who's been abandoned by Darko and when put in the position of first person narration said "No Fucking Way" because then Enoby/Ebony might realize how much he loathes her and God-fucking-Damnit, he _**does not **_want to spent the next however many chapters listening to her bitch about how perfect she is and using reverse psychology to get him to cave and actually voluntarily have sex with her again – and Ebory – who randomly gets inserted here from the fantasy game she was playing and proceeds to whimper copiously at the prospect of never getting to leave again – enter into Siniater's office looking for Professor Sinister and finding Tom Rid instead.

Apparently 'Hey fuker' has become lingo for the generic term 'Hey guys.'

I'd love to try that one out at the next family reunion.

"Hey fuckers! What's up?"

My baby cousins would _**love **_that.

Their parents – however – would be slightly less appreciative.

So Tom Rid brings Cloves for Enoby/Ebony, who has kicked Ebory to the curb and retaken control of her life's story.

At this point during the initial read through I had a moment of confusion – which is surprising, I know.

The short version of the thought going through everybody's head right now should be something along the lines of "_Only one moment of confusion?"_

I've given up on comprehension, which cuts down on the confusion.

But here, I got confused. For a little while I was thinking it was still Darko narrating and I was wondering why he was getting so excited over a "goffik blak leather miniskirt that said '666' on da bak, black stilton bootz, blood red fishnetz and a blak corset."

And then I remembered that everybody in this fic is an hermaphrodite so it's okay.

Draco isn't a cross-dresser, he's just bi-sexual…in every sense of the word.

Anyway, so I realized it was actually Enoby/Ebony retaking control by the second read-through, so it made slightly more sense.

So Sinister is gone, having fled to the Middle East to hand out with Snip/Snap/Snape/Snoop and all his other personalities as well as Loopin/Lumpkin. Alas, Dubledork returns – which is surprising, since in order to return to a place one has to have been there in the first place and this is the first I've heard of any Dubledork.

So apparently being gottik is bad, because Sinister got sent away by Rumbridge, which is okay because Dumblydore is back to teach her class, which was what, again?

Morty Mcfly, Morty McFli's alter ego, puts in an appearance with his blak tim machine, which apparently goes back in time as well as producing Tim's because suddenly – after jumping sexily into the Tim machine, Enoby/Ebony is in Slutborn's office.

And for reasons unexplained to anybody the Amnesia potion is on his desk decorated all pretty and shiny just to attract Enoby/Ebony's attention.

Of course, Slutgorn (and I'm disappointed here – she came so close to the right name!) makes an appearance in place of Slutborn – who got his name because his mother happened to be a nymphomaniac.

So Slutgorn shoots and Enoby/Ebony does a first – she _**shouts **_back.

And she tells him she was confused and that she thought his office was a classroom and I must have been reading this way too long because I actually thought that was a halfway decent excuse.

So Slutborn lets her go.

You went to the conmen room after putting on my clothes.

No – No – NO – NO – **NO – NO – **_**NO – NO – **__**NO **_ and _**NO**_.

I refuse to go anywhere near Enoby/Ebony's clothes – unlike her, I have taste.

Plus, I know where her outfit has been – namely, on her.

The only thing it's good for now is burning, and even that needs to be done in a sterile environment.

And Silas – the freakin' albino from The Da Vinci Code – is suddenly here, along with Samaro – who's a fucking idiot because he never tries to get away when he has the chance – and Snap – who's lonely and depressed and suicidal because Crackle and Pop ran off to California to get hitched.

And Enoby/Ebony asks seductively because just asking a question is too hard for her.

And apparently Satan is having sex with Serious because Serious knows Satan is cumming.

And for no apparent reason – which I reiterate seems to be the theme behind this work – Serious wants to be called Hades.

And so Satan – who's having sex with Serious/Hades – came, so he's free to go hang out why Enoby/Ebony now because – well, there's not really a because here.

And the leather Jackson returns, along with the congres shoes and the word smexxy, which makes me want a taco…

And then we're done.

Thank Fucking God.

**1552**

Am trying to have an intelligent thought and continue to fail miserably.

See you in another four hours.

**A/N: **Nausea…


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: **I purposely didn't wake up until eleven to avoid this torture…

**My Immortal Timeline**

**January 7****th****, 2010 **

**1212 hours**

.com/watch?v=ldDpr02g-TM

Copy and paste the above link.

Pay particular attention to the second half of the song because by then it will be completely obvious that the author obviously mistook this as a "How-To" guide.

**1214**

Brief moment of confusion – for a second instead of kutting I thought it said knitting and was thinking – oh, how nice.

**1215**

Oh my God…people crap because Satan and Enoby/Ebony look so good together.

Or do they…

**1217**

At this point I would rather run outside in my pajamas and bare feet and strip naked in the snow and ten or below weather than proceed with another chapter.

The only reason I'm doing this now is because Chapter 39 looks promising…

So, we begin with Satan and Enoby/Ebony – another instance of two characters that are actually the same one being in the same place at the same time – walking to Satan's car, which is decorated with pentagrams so Enoby/Ebony can slide seductively in it.

So they proceed to have virtually the same conversation Enoby/Ebony has with every character in this entire fic – basically, hey, how cool would it be to off ourselves while being goffik and listening to MCR?

Tragically, in this case, words do not lead to actions.

Alas, we must continue on.

So Volxemort – who has decided that Satan is needed elsewhere for the duration of however long it takes him to off Enoby/Ebony – makes a return so the two of them can smoke some weed.

Like they really need to kill any more brain cells.

The two Enoby/Ebony have left are eagerly sucking in the smoke, though, in the vain hope that they'll finally die and join the rest of their brethren in moronic heaven.

Volxemortseruem.

Naturally Satan knows the cure for his own cum.

Don't drink it.

Or, in case you're stupid and decide to proceed forward with absolutely no thought at all – drink some vampire blood.

Uh, huh. That's right – Vampire Blood, in addition to being goffic, is the universal cure all.

Alert the CDC and get somebody down here, stat. They can transport Enoby/Ebony to a lab somewhere in the vicinity of hell and suck out all her bodily fluids one by one to create the universal cure for everything…except stupidity.

And suddenly they pull up behind the Movie Theatre which mysteriously dropped down in front of them.

Alas, Dorothy, who was inside and a total prep, made her landing a little too early and missed hitting the wicked witch.

Damnit.

So they proceed into the Theatre where they watch the Exercist, which is especially scary because of the cereal killer.

And naturally, because their sadists, Satan and Enoby/Ebony laugh at the blood.

And suddenly – without warning us, the readers – the author gives Enoby/Ebony a thought.

I almost died of shock until – reading onwards – I realized the author obviously doesn't know what the definition of thinking is.

Stupidity, on the other hand, she totally has in the bag.

So Enoby/Ebony's bright…occurance is to take a gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar sexily from his poket and put sum Amnesia potion in it.

And where was Satan while you were physically accosting him?

Obviously his brain took a mental va-cay to get away from you cringe-worthy ass.

What's an Emile the Strange? Seriously – I want to know.

So Satan returns from la-la land and decides to smoke the cigar.

Pause for a moment here – teenagers and cigars…

Huh?

Cause I see that shit _all _the time.

Especially Nightmare Before Christmas cigars – specially designed for ages twelve and up.

So Satan's smoking and managing to blow kickass pentagram smoke rings because – yeah – he's related to Gandalf the Grey.

And because he's the devil, he knows that Enoby/Ebony is trying to use Amnesia potion on him, which fucking sucks because he wanted to use it on her – _**never mind **_that the author states in the _**same fucking paragraph **_that it hasn't been invented yet.

This has honestly reached the point beyond stupidity. It's so godawful all I can think to do is roll my eyes and sigh in complete and utter disgust with homicidal urges mixed in liberally for flavor.

And because Enoby/Ebony is severely fucked up, it's "kul" that Satan wanted to drug her and naturally this leads to the removing of cloves sexily while they French and she makes an obligatory reference to Gerard Way and somebody's six pak.

And naturally the woman behind them who just wanted to watch a couple of kids exercise while a cereal killer bloodies them up, is a prep because she doesn't want to have her eyes subjected to the heinous sight in front of her.

So Enoby/Ebony tells her to go fuk herself and then, because words aren't enough, attacks and eats her.

And Satan is surprised to find Enoby/Ebony is a vampire, but it's cool, cause there's beer.

Enoby/Ebony continues to smell happily.

Obviously, this is because her nose is broken. If it wasn't broken, she'd be able to smell the complete and utter bullshit she's surrounded with and suddenly…………….die.

Marylin Manson, Marilyn Mansons mother makes a return, singing songs that her son later blatantly ripped off of her.

What's an orgaism? Is it like a mixture of a living thing and a sexual pleasure? Sadly, there's no n, so it's a little hard to penetrate.

Jesus – I'm making bad jokes now.

This thing is leeching the fucking life out of me.

So Marylin Manson stops singing and Satan's unpronounceable band comes on stage.

The line-up: Lucian – who replaced Lusian who apparently only had one arm at some point for no fucking reason, Samaro – who is still too stupid to seek a replacement but the author deserves kudos here – I think Samaro is the only character who hasn't had his name mangled beyond recognition save for the initial change from Jamez, Snap – who's still fucking pissed that Crackle and Pop ran out on him, and Hades – the artist formerly known as Serverous/Sirius/Serious/Sorious/Serif/Series/and my personal favorite: Sodomize.

You may also address him as the Dogfather.

And for reasons defying all logic – not to mention to the laws of the universe as we know it – when Enoby/Ebony sings, she sounds like a shape.

So Draco can look like a shape and Enoby/Ebony can sing like a shape.

I wonder which one of them can fuck like a shape?

Satan gets an eructation – which I am now laughing hysterically because I looked it up and get this: it's an actual word!

The act or an instance of belching.

So Enoby/Ebony sings and Satan gets gas.

How fitting.

And Lucian – because he wants out of this fic so fucking bad – starts to play the wrong song, which naturally pisses everybody else off because – hell, they wanted to be the ones to incur the ire of the author and get drop-kicked the hell elsewhere.

And James – who was supposed to be dead but somehow got resurrected for the duration of a the rest of the chapter – is pissed because Lucian fucked up the song just seconds before he was going to.

And Snap, well, it's kind of unclear who he's yelling at. I think James, but I could be wrong…

So he calls everybody preps, which basically signed his death warrant right then and there.

And Serious – who's replaced Hades for the time being – tells them all to take a chill pill in so many words or less.

But Samaro – who's pissed that he got usurped for even a single line – doesn't care.

So they start to fight and it's so totally like the Jets versus the Sharks, complete with music numbers and knives!

Oh boy, oh boy!

Then James does a magic trick – he tries to shoot Lucan's – who's young and impressionable and very scared of Lucian and Lusian – arm off with a knife.

And naturally there's a bullet which Enoby/Ebony jumps sexily in front of and everything goes black.

And I am doing a victory dance!

Whoo-hoo!

YES!

Cel-e-brate good times, come on!

Ding, Dong, the witch is dead.

Which old witch?

The wicked witch!

Ding, Dong, the wicked witch is dead!

**1253**

Only – wait…

If she dies now, why are there still five more chapters to go?

**FUCK!**

**A/N: **Chapter 39 is the hacked chapter and subsequently the only chapter I'm actually looking forward to reading…after the break, naturally.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: I've been dreading this day…

**1716 hours**

In a desperate attempt to get this over with once and for all, I have renewed my investigation.

It's only five chapters, after all. What's the worst that could happen?

**1717**

Whoa, whoa, wait a second…

…noble? The only decent thing she's done this entire fic is nearly die and since there's five more chapters to go after this, even that doesn't work.

Granted, this is the hacked chapter, so I will give kudos where kudos are due…

You have excellent grammatical grasp of the English language.

**1720**

Draco and Hermione fled the scene and got married. This I find plausible.

**1721**

Love the emphasis on American Eagle, Abercrombie and Fitch, _AND_ Hollister. Even _I'm _not that preppy. Very fitting as hell for she-who-must-not-be-named.

**1722**

"THIS IS UNLOGICAL AND DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!"

GOD BLESS YOU!

…that's kind of the whole point of this investigation by this…point.

**1723**

Pleasant chapter. I don't think I've ever been as happy to see someone in hell. Alas, however, this is not the end. I still have the actual 39th chapter to go.

Buggery fuck.

**1724**

Ohhhh my goshhh.

I'd forgotten how illogically awful this is.

**1726**

Hoes of Wax…sounds like the perfect name for a porno.

**1728**

Alright, so here we go.

Ebony/Enoby/She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named wakes up, which just plain fucking sucks. This, my friends, is proof that the author is indeed a Satanist.

So she wakes up, Hairgrid, who may or may not have been the idiot who put her in the hospital in the first place (at this point in time, it would take a divine act of God to get me to go back and re-read any portion of this horror fest, so I'm operating on an assumption here that the author, for once, managed to keep _her own_ story straight) is in a comma because Vampir and Draco had beaten him up.

Who Vampir is, we'll never know because in about five seconds he's gone again.

So in this quiet domestic scene of recovery, Enoby/Ebony naturally decides to scream. And Mr. Noris, who is still body-swapped with his feline companion, is naturally unhappy with the fact that Enoby/Ebony is a goth and not because she just screamed in his fucking ear.

Naturally.

Volxemort, who has had a nasty run in with a previous incarnation of Voldemort and is thoroughly confused as to what he's even doing here, enters and Enoby/Ebony readily identifies him as the old English speaking 'Thou Hath Noteth' version because he…well, he speaks.

And then he cries…selectively.

So naturally she wants to know what's wrong because, after all, psychopaths have feelings too.

Maybe…

But then everybody comes in with black boxes and Volxemort disappears, which makes sense because in actuality, he was never part of the series anyway. So maybe this was the authors attempt at rectifying the mistaken insertion.

Make what you will of the last statement.

Sinister and Serious and B'lody Mary and Vampire are so fucking deliriously happy that Enoby/Ebony is alive they brought her presents.

And after touching Vampire, Enoby/Ebony wonders if she's dead now.

I would like to point out that Enoby/Ebony, by the rules of the author, can't die from being shot. Raw meat and crosses, baby.

Raw meat and crosses.

But the authors reasoning is that the time warp saved Enoby/Ebony.

And now I wonder…what the hell is everybody else doing in the past?

Huh? What? How the hell did they get there?

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON????!!!!

Lucian now has two arms, which makes perfect sense because there was never any reason given for him only having one arm.

It's like a demented magic trick.

How many arms does Lucian have? One? Two? Close your eyes, spin in a circle, and press the page down key a couple of times and suddenly –

That's it.

And now Vampirz dad shot Enoby/Ebony…and Hairgrid is paying for this sin, why?

Maybe Enoby/Ebony is back in the future…

It would have been nice if the author had informed the rest of us of that. I mean, there's writing not to give the plot away, and then there's just being an idiot with a keyboard.

Snap was possessed by Snap and James, Vampirz dad, is present and accounted for, despite having shot Enoby/Ebony.

Or is Snap Vampirz dad? James is Harry's dad, so maybe each split personality has their own unique set of parents…

Serious is sad…awww.

And Snap was a Death Dealer.

And my question is…so?

YOU WERE IN A BAND WITH MOTHERFUCKING VOLDEMORT, YOU DIPSHITS!!!!

Enoby/Ebony gasps because Draco hasn't made an appearance in almost seven paragraphs, and naturally this is because he's watching Hoes of Wax, getting his freak on for the some Mary Sue lovin'.

I just kind of grossed myself out there.

Ulgh.

Yuck.

Trevolry appears and Sinister walks out of the room, so they're both gone now. Jesus, I'm rolling my eyes now. You can't see it, but I promise you, it's happening.

Nightgun, how does one wear this?

Ankle holster? Thigh holster? Side holster? Back holster?

My recommendation would be right under the chin with your finger on the trigger. But that's just me…

Let's go watch Hose of Wax with Draco! Yay!

Hey, look Hermoine's back! Granted, her name's misspelled, but at least it's close to the original for once.

So they enter the common room to the lovely sight of Draco getting his freak on with Snap.

And one of them is wearing a t-shirt with 666 on the front and baggy jeans.

My money's on Draco, since it'd be pretty hard for him to pull his thingie out of Snap if Snap was still wearing pants.

Ba-_ad _mental picture.

Icky, icky, yuck.

So Willow tries to attack Draco, which rocks, while Draco tries to explain what he was doing and Enoby runs sexily to her room to grab some raw meat…and promptly slits her wrist.

And everything goes dark, but at this point, it's fucking stupid to believe for a second that Enoby/Ebony's actually dead.

It would be nice, though…

_Sigh._


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: I just want to get this over with. I included a nice little Prologue this time from last times attempt at a second chapter in one day. Enjoy!

**April 7****th**** 2010**

**Prologue**

**1800 hours**

Went for alcohol. Could only find Peach Wine. Mixed it with Strawberry Kiwi juice.

Think I just set my intestines on fire…

On a more pleasant note, there is no chapter 40. Tara, it seems, got a tinsy bit confused, so we skip to chapter 41.

This is, perhaps, the best gift the author could have given us – one less turd to pile onto the shit that's already been dished out.

**1902**

I can't do this. It's too fucking stupid.

I'll try again tomorrow.

_**Almost five weeks later…**_

**May 12****th****, 2010**

**1016 hours**

Chapter 41 or 42 or something or other. Whatever.

**1017**

Just noticed the abundance of 1's after the exclamation points. Guess the author was just so fucking excited she couldn't keep her fingers on the shift key…

This could explain the atrocious grammar and spelling. Maybe the author was caught up in a berserker like rage and just couldn't contain herself.

I'm laughing now because I have a mental picture of some chick sitting behind a keyboard pounding on the keys like an overly enthusiastic five year old scream 'Die Bitches! Die!' and then rubbing her hands together and chuckling like an evil Mr. Burns 'This is going to be so awesome!'

Ugh, I can't think. This fic makes me so fucking stupid.

**1020**

She's back in Tim again.

Who's Tim?

Seriously, though, kudos to the author. At least this time she told us we were shifting time zones.

**1021**

I'm sensing a major wardrobe malfunction, which is great. I'm having a major brain malfunction right now.

**1023**

"Yah Im okay 4 ur in4mation." I snapped sexily. "OMG am I dedd?"

Normally…aw, fuck it. There's nothing normal about this fic.

**1024**

Time toner's I'm familiar with, but what is this Time machine of which you speak? And can I borrow it?

I have several individuals I'd like to permanently maim in order to prevent your future existence…

**1026**

"Cum on now lets go c how Hairy's dad is doing."

My eyes skipped over this and then my brain went 'WTF?'

I read the sentence wrong, it turns out.

I thought Voldemort was saying 'Come on now, lets go chow down on Hairy legs.'

**1027**

Indogoally. Huh?

And the headache returns as the perfect excuse for doing anything bat-shit-insane-crazy-completely-OOC and not to mention monumentally stupid!

Maybe the author had a headache while writing this fic…maybe this fic is a headache. Maybe the headache was actually the authors split personality and this is a chronicle of their life.

That being the case…excuse me for a moment.

**1031 **

**(Sidenote:** I live in a house with three dogs, two of whom have brains the size of pinheads. They were barking at nothing and driving me nuts so I had to go be mean to them.**)**

Where was I?

Right. The author's split personality.

Fuck it.

Hopefully by now someone has discovered her condition and steps have been taken to eradicate the blight from the face of humanity.

**1034**

Hedwig…my how you've grown…and evolved…

**1035**

So Harry's owl was Voldemort's boyfriend.

No wonder VD wants Harry dead…he stole his love owl.

**1036**

The Grate Hall, like this fic, is really grating to my nerves.

Bad joke! Bad joke! Oh god, my brain…it's leaking out my ears.

**1037**

Since James tried to shoot Lucian, they're sons will no longer be friends.

…so the past selves are aware of the future selves and the future selves are aware of the past selves.

And Lucian is apparently really upset that his son won't be friends with the boy who killed his dark lord.

**1040**

KILL ME! KILL ME NOW!

Oh _God_! My brain! My brain!

I can't unsee what I just read. It's imprinted on the back of my eyeballs now.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

**1042**

So naturally Hogwarts infirmary has pictures of Marlyin Munzon on the wall, Marilyn Manson's father, as well as pictures of the Beatles gone goth in 1980.

Were the Beatles even still together in the eighties?

Just an interesting note, she mentions the band Panic at the Disco, and I love how she has the first word like this: panic?

In a way, I feel like it's a warning…

And everybody wears black cloves because their Satanists.

And because she has no real concept of inside voices, Enoby/Ebony screams out the realization that she's back in Tim again!

Suddenly Satan…is given an explanation. It's important to note here that the author actually makes it a point to point out that Satan and Voldemort are the same person.

Words escape me. I literally have nothing to say in response.

So moving on…

Voldimort is wearing a blak leather Jackson, blak tight jeans and fishnet pantz.

Fashion victim, Hel-_lo_.

Now all he needs are high heels and he could make the bitchest Drag Queen ever…

This fashion train wreck naturally makes Enoby/Ebony so hot she almost has an orgy.

Please, God, no. We've been punished enough with the one on one sex scenes. Don't make us live through an entire group of bumbling idiots putting their you-know-whats you-know-where.

Just as a side thought, I'm curious if the author is aware that boys don't have vaginas. I know she knows girls don't get erections, but does she realize there's only one way for a guy to put his thingy in another guy?

Well, two, actually, but the first one…

Well, maybe all this time everybody's been getting blow jobs.

Ulgh. Geez.

Excuse me while I go throw up.

That was the worst mental trip ev_-er_.

So she slits her wrist and time travels.

That…just plain sucks.

Why can't she just die like a normal person would?

Since she's a vampire, she can't die from a bullet. Insert the leg chewing line here.

Indigoally. Still don't know what that means.

So Enoby/Ebony is upset that James shot at Luciious, even though he was possessed at the time, but she doesn't want good ol' VD to know that.

O-_kay_.

Oh, but it's okay, VD says. He was under a lot of stress and had a headache.

I'm really curious now as to what the author does when she has a headache. If shooting people is an acceptable form of stress relief, I wonder how many bodies she has buried in her backyard?

So because James didn't shoot Lucian, he now has two arms instead of one.

WHEN THE FUCK DID HE NOT HAVE TWO ARMS?

Oi vay.

And Enoby/Ebony's mad sexy bi-guy finding skills make a reappearance.

Everybody…meet Hedwig, VD's ex boyfriend and Harry's former owl.

Even if he's human now, doesn't this sort of count as bestiality?

So even though he's hot, Enoby/Ebony demands angrily to know who he is because she doesn't know who he is.

Oh, God. The logic of this fic is just so goddamned bad I don't have the energy to comment on it anymore.

So after VD introduces the former owl, Enoby/Ebony greets him seductively even though she's not trying to be.

Delusional. Split Personality. Quite possibly Schizophrenic.

"Lol, hi Enoby."

Internet speak, spoken out loud.

I forgive you, Hedwig. It's not your fault you used to be an owl and now are the forced object of VD and Enoby/Ebony's sexual attentions.

I pity you. Really, I do.

And he runs away because he has hair of magical creature.

Well, actually, those are feathers…

Blink three times fast. Why?

Because I said so…

So Satan's sad because he and Hedwig used to date and Enoby/Ebony totally knows how to get them back together again using her magic iPod which magically appeared in her pocket.

And Hedwig makes a reappearance from his class because Enoby/Ebony told him to forget about it and because he's a former owl he can hear her perfectly fine.

So they head to the Grate Hall where Lucian, James, Serious, and Snake are waiting and arguing.

Lucian won't talk to James, but he apparently has no problem yelling at him.

The author spelled douche right! Wow!

Snape tells Samaro to go fuck himself, but he's lying because it was actually his fault Lucian had almost been shot.

That's…right? Maybe?

I don't know, I don't remember, and most importantly, I no longer give a shit.

So Enoby/Ebony tells them to be quiet and her plan is working out great which is great because I haven't seen a plan yet.

I really, really, really think the author is schizophrenic. This totally reminds me of the video shown in my Psych class of the chick who thought General Motors was controlling her through the eagle and the postal service.

Confused?

Welcome to the wonderful world of Schizophrenia.

Still confused?

Go back to the beginning of this fic and try to follow the plot and the one question on your mind should be…what plot?

So Enoby/Ebony tells VD and Hedwig to start making out while filming them with the iPod, which is "Kool" according to Serious.

And they make out while everybody watches and naturally everybody is a bit bi, except for Snape who was _really _bi.

Hedwig's glock touches Voldimorts, which is great. Considering all the body parts they could have possibly been touching each other with, I appreciate that it's guns and not more personal bits that are making contact.

It makes for better mental health.

And then they stop because…Dumblydore and Mr. Norris enter!

**1115**

When I close my eyes and think of this fic, I feel like I've been sucked into a vortex of stupid.

I'm thinking of taping my eyes open…


	15. Chapter 15

**August 18, 2010**

**1120 hours**

Let's get this shit over with.

**1121**

Voldemort and Snape as the same person…curiously I'm actually thinking this was a _good_ idea. At the very least, creative.

At the same time I'm thanking God the author didn't think to explore this idea further. Who knows how many names the VD/SS one-body, two-minds thingie would have had.

**1123**

Whoa, whoa – wait.

Are we back in Tim again? Did we leave?

And why, if we are back in time, did the author feel the need to point out that Dumbledore looks younger? I mean, hello! He is younger, you moron.

**1125**

So Dumbledork has an office that's occupied by Dumbledore and I just did a mental fan squeal because SHE GOT THE NAME RIGHT!

And Dumbledore is listening to a shitty Avril Lavigne song. Wow.

**1126 **

Am laughing because Dumbledore is listening to a shitty Avril Lavigne song on Enoby/Ebony's iPod and has no idea what he's listening to which means that Enoby/Ebony is the one who put the shitty Avril Lavigne song on the iPod in the first place.

And Enoby/Ebony is worried that Dumbledore will find out she's from the future.

**1128**

So don't blame Ibony, you jerk.

Who's Ibony? Is she new? I can't remember if she's been mentioned before. Poor girl, to be so rudely sucked into this alternate reality. Run! Run while you still can!

**1129**

So an NSYNC song comes on which is even funnier than shitty Avril Lavigne, the iPod experiences spontaneous morphing, Dumbledore…

Wait, wait – I found a new one!

"Yah, siriusly she was trying to get Satan and Hedwig back together." Serious said deviantly.

First off, I'm not sure how one goes about speaking deviantly. In my world we simply call this being a smart-ass. Secondly, according to spellcheck, deviantly isn't a word. Ironically, according to spellcheck, spellcheck isn't a word so I feel a little bit better about all the spelling and grammatical errors. Probably it wasn't entirely the authors fault.

But then again, she wrote them in the first place, so in a way…

Whatever, just blame the author.

Anyways, the best part of this sentence – she spells seriously wrong and then she spells Serious right which incidentally is wrong. Confused? Be happy – it sucks so much more when you actually start to understand things.

So, returning to NSYNC:

Dumbledore cockles. Freudian slip, again.

And Enoby/Ebony/Ibony (the latter of whom may or may not have already made her escape) muttons.

Muttons! Now I'm thinking of lamb and wishing somebody would shoot Enoby/Ebony. Normally I'm against animal cruelty, but I think this would be a case of 'the greater good.'

**1135**

The iPod changes into a time machine. Strangely, I don't find this nearly as ridiculous as the thought of Dumbledore _never noticing _that he suddenly has a car in his office.

Yes people, that's right – I was so curious about this Morti McFly I looked it up. See? This fic does some good – it's expanded my cultural horizons.

Well, that and internet movie database and this joke totally isn't funny anymore.

Moving on.

**1137**

So Snake tells Jomes to shut up and naturally Tom (who came in from God only knows where) says 'No, you shut up Dumbledore', a sentence which I have edited slightly for clarity and because I'm tired of having the misspell things on purpose. It's driving me fucking bonkers.

See? The characters are so confused by this piece of shit _they _don't even know who they're talking to anymore.

**1139**

Spuriously.

According to spellcheck, this is a word.

According to an online dictionary, it means lacking legitimacy or of illegitimate birth.

Congratulations – Dumbledore spoke bastardly.

**1142**

So Enoby/Ebony grabs the time machine from Dumbledore and yells for everybody to get in and the only one stupid enough to listen to her is Satan.

And as they're going Dumbledore is screaming 'You dunderheads!' wisely.

Wisely screaming…the only time this phrase is acceptable is when it involves dark alleys and potential muggings.

So naturally they end up back in the Slitherin (Slytherin's bastard cousin's lair) commonroom and Enoby/Ebony has experienced a spontaneous wardrobe change and who really gives a flying fudge, anyway?

Satan thinks this is cool, but he asks in an emo voice where he is because drat! He thought this was the escape hatch!

Curses! Foiled again.

So the iPod was really a time machine along.

Now I have the Time Warp stuck in my head.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show…actually, I see a disturbing level of similarity between the two with the overabundance of fishnets and the blatant bisexuality.

You know, I think I just ruined this movie for myself.

Fuck you, Tara!

**1147**

You listen to music on an iPatch. Now I'm thinking about Cabbage Patch Kids…with guns. Storming the gates, looking for Enoby/Ebony.

You know, I think someone should write a Supernatural fic where Sam and Dean hunt the Cabbage Patch Kids cause those things are freaky.

**1148**

Enjoy.

"OMFG kool wait whatz a 4-letter-wurd 4 dirt?" he esked in his sexah voice.

"Um I guezz sand?" I laid confuesdly.

"Yah I wuz just triinyg to make sure u were stil da same perzon." He triumphently giggled.

And here I was thinking the author was going to insert a random crossword puzzle into the mix just for giggles.

To be honest, though, I found this funny. Apparently this is the intelligence test administered by Tara's characters to determine whether or not they're conversing with their fellow morons or if a new random character has suddenly been kamikazied into the story.

But I'm still trying to figure out why any of this suddenly matters…

God, help. My brain hurts cause I'm actually trying to make sense of this shit.

Cease! Cease I tell you! No – I order you! Stop thinking, stupid brain, and this will go so much easier.

Better yet, think like Tara – go to the 'no-brain' zone.

It's so pretty and sparkly and everythings so bright and shiny and there's space cars and rabbit ninjas and Michael something or other form that one show about that guy from the seventies who's ugly but women find him irresistible…Austin Powers.

Okay, so my brainless zone looks like a reject set from the seventies. I've never been to the seventies, though. Maybe I'm going back to pre-existence. Maybe I was where everybody goes before they're born, you know a sort of cosmic waiting zone where you have to grab one of those numbered tickets and wait for your turn to be born.

Sort of like the DMV.

**1154**

Ginny's surprising Enoby/Ebony is alive, so Enoby/Ebony explains why.

And naturally the reader gets no explanation. That way our collective mental powers are more or less focused in multiple directionalities as we struggle in vain to come up for a reason for this piece of shit. The author was probably afraid that if we all knew the actually reason and had one central point upon which to focus she would spontaneously combust.

**1156**

Willow's back.

Who the hell was Willow in the first place?

And Diablo's wearing a P?aTD shirt. I am in love with this question mark. I want to marry it and make little exclamation point babies.

**1157**

Satan has a total bitch moment and starts crying because he's not from the same time and oh my gosh, what if they don't like him anymore?

God, what a girl.

Maybe he _is _a girl. It would explain the moodswings…

**1158**

Ulgh.

Logical suicide again.

So Enoby/Ebony assures Satan she still likes him, listens to her iPod, gives Diablo a signal to distract Satan which is easy because the dude falls asleep. And just as Enoby/Ebony is about to fall asleep, Sinister comes running in and…

"Oh my fucking god, where's Draco!111 How did Snap get back here! I tohot he wuz in Azerbaijan." I asked sadly.

Huh?

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?

Snap? Draco?

Are Snap and Sinister the same person? Is this new? And what happened to Vector/Velociraptor/Whoever the hell this person was originally?

Did they die? Are they now sharing their body with Snap?

Are they even truly female anymore?

Everybody in this fic is both bi-sexual and a hermaphrodite, I've decided. That way it cuts down on some of the confusion when characters start having sex. It doesn't matter if it's a girl or guy anymore because everybody has all the same parts.

I am both disturbed and comforted by this thought.

**1203**

Trevolry.

That's it.

And here I was hoping it was velociraptor…

**1204**

Britney is evil. I know Enoby/Ebony hates her for being a fucking prep, but I hate her because she keeps freeing characters who are better off locked up. And good lord woman – why haven't you killed Enoby/Ebony yet?

What's the point of having a prep in a story is she can't kill the main character?

**1205**

The pedophiles are loose! The pedophiles are loose!

What the hell are they doing storing pedophiles in a fucking school?

**1206**

Still no explanation for the Draco/Snape sexcapade but I'd kind of like to forget the whole thing.

And then Enoby/Ebony has to do something so naturally everybody yells 'Good luck, Tara!'

Die Tara, DIE!

**1208**

Laughing and crying at the same time.

Laughing and crying…

So Enoby/Ebony finds Britney on the stairs with the video camera that Snap and Loopin had used to tape her masticating and decides to put the video of Satan and Hedwig on it before running down the stairs into the Grate Hall and into the arms of Vampira.

Course, she casts a crucious on Britney, flicks her off, and laughs sadistically. Cli-che.

**1210**

Vampire moans because he thought Enoby/Ebony had died but, alas! The bitch just will not go down!

The US Army should totally recruit her ass. We'd win the war in five seconds flat.

But then what would we do with her…

Lock her up in a containment cell in Area 51 and bury it five hundred feet below the surface and pour cement on top of it and screw a titanium plate over the cement and weld the screws so they can't be undone from the outside and post a twenty-four/seven guard rotation of Navy SEALs, Army Rangers, and Green Berets.

And don't you fucking dare forget the Marines.

**1213**

Enoby/Ebony dies, time travels, and returns with the young future dark lord and naturally Vampire has absolutely nothing to say on this.

Nothing. At. All.

**1214**

And nothing is important except finding Draco, so the lights go off and the Dork Mark appears, which is like the Dark Mark except with freckles and glasses and a white-man's afro.

So Vampire and Enoby/Ebony separate, with Enoby/Ebony proceeding forward into the Grate Hall and towards Voldimort while Vampire runs for Draco so the two of them can celebrate the bitches demise…

Or not.

Sadly I ran into the Great Hall.

Sadly, Enoby/Ebony is the only one who's said about her potential demise.

**1216**

Forty-three looks short enough, but I have to be at work in two hours and need the time to detox myself from this fic. Maybe I'll finish it tomorrow.

Just two more chapters and I can wash my hands of this madness except…

I kind of want to write my own epilogue/parody.

Oh, just the idea has me cringing.

I'm normally not this masochistic, but…


	16. Chapter 16

**Let's finish this bitch…**

**1600**

Finking. Sis. Den. Fukk.

God just stop trying to spell. Just…stop. I worry about you Tara. I'm pretty sure you don't have the mental capacity to function in the real world. I hope to hell that you're five foot nine with big boobs and big hair cause Hooters and strip joints are probably the only place you can find a job. Or you could always try a street corner somewhere…maybe you'll learn something that will help you improve your writing. A little hands on experience couldn't hurt…and we'd all be cheering for you.

**1602**

Kay.

Deddly bloom. What?

Draco was there! He had slit his writsts!111 (Yay! Woohoo! Party at my place people!)

Oh my God. **OH****MY****GOD!**

Two sentences with no spelling errors. Two whole fucking sentences that actually resemble the English language! So that grammars still fucked six ways to Sunday, but hey, baby steps, Tara.

Oh wow. I think I just had a heart attack.

**1605**

I'm not okay.

Wow. Even though it's been a year I can already feel the stupidity seeping back into my pores. God, it's disgusting.

Koz. Oh Tara.

Tara, Tara, Tara….you were doing so well! You had good spelling and they you had to go and fuck it up. Stupid bitch.

Teardully. Cause sharp tears are dangerous. You could poke an eye out with that sonuvabitch.

**1609**

Lupin! An actual character from the actual book series.

I feel like Steve Erwin.

"Lookie here, isn't that a real beaut? What we have here is an actual, real life Harry Potter character. Notice the correct spelling and everything. Oh man, what a beauty! A real honest to God Harry Potter character!"

Appearated. I think Tara might have started growing a brain right about this point. Words appear that are spelled correctly, actual characters are showing up, and she almost got the word right but she took it too literally. But at least you can tell she understands what the spell does!

It's just too bad it's Mr. Norris still…

"Im so glad we me and Snape were freed." said Loopin.

Fuckin' hell.

I really like this line, though. It's got good rhythm and rhyme. And Loopin, at least, understands that there's three of them – Lupin and Snape and Loopin, the fictional made up bastard who's obviously lying. I'm pretty sure he'd rather be anywhere than freed and imprisoned back into this shithole.

Poor Loopin….

**1614**

Dear Mr. Norris,

Welcome to the real world. Every job is great until you have to deal with real people. And you're job is especially great cause who doesn't love old drafty castles, whips, and chains? And cats…mustn't forget the cat.

Sincerely.

Fuck, You're-Not-Even-An-Actual-Character, Goddamnit

**1616**

Pop Addelum.

Say what?

And what's with the yielding? Bitch…I got nothing. I can't even think of an effective insult. I can't use my words because they're running away from me as quickly as their tiny invisible legs can move.

Depths of evil and depressedness.

Good God, what the fuck is wrong with you? What the hell are you – a tax attorney? Martha Stewart? Tom Motherfucking Cruise?

Do us all a favor and buy a motherfucking thesaurus and then do us all an even bigger favor and bash your brains in with it. Or break your fingers. Or read it.

Voldimort. The vowel is close but still completely wrong.

I'd rub the bridge of my nose in frustration but I'm afraid if I stop typing I'm never going to start again.

Satan and Vampire run into the room and Vampir doesn't know who Satan is but that's okay, because neither does anybody else. I can't remember who's who anymore.

And Whats-her-face takes a break from the bad guys who are still operating under this mysterious Pop addelum spell to oogle her freakshow sexily.

Who the hell is Frank Iero?

**1622**

Selectively taking caramel from pockets and then frenching. Blow me, bitch – I hope you choke to death on Draco's tongue.

And Draco takes off his cloves and revelas his white sex-pack which I hope has condoms because Enoby/Ebony/Whoever-the-fuck cannot reproduce. Ever.

And then Vampire takes his clotes off.

And the She-Devil takes off her leather bra and lace thong and I would just like to take a moment here to point out – ewwwwwwwwwww.

And the glocks make a reappearance and thank fucking god Enoby/Ebony doesn't have one, but seriously, prejudice much? What's wrong with a girl having a glock? Personally I like glocks. They fit nicely in your hand and pack quite a load and…

God, I'm de-evolving even as I write.

**1626**

His hardness goes into her thingy.

**PENIS AND VAGINA!**

**THEY ARE CALLED A PENIS AND A VAGINA!**

And oh my fucking God, Draco has two of them cause he put it in Harry too.

Oh gross, yuck, disgusting…..ulgh, ulgh, ulgh.

Oh kill me now you fucking bitch. I don't want to live any more after reading this.

And sure, why not? Lets add a fourth person because one two-dicked freak isn't psychologically scarring enough.

Pleasore.

Please stop. Seriously. Just stop.

**1628**

And it's Snap to the rescue! Of Loopin who's being doubly tortured by the sadists because the poor dude has front row seats to two-dick and his side show.

Rescue him, Snap! Hurry before…


	17. Chapter 17

A/N: I wanted to finish at least one story this year.

**0138**

After reading the reviews, I've decided to finish this once and for all. Also, it's 0138 and I figure why not? It's not like I could be doing better things, like, say _sleeping._

**0139**

One minute in an already I'm confused.

What the fuck is glamming? Is it somehow related to flaming? Perhaps Tara's subconscious was weeping in despair under the pile of criticism and attempted to make a bright, cheery thing out of what had to have been a metric fuck-ton of hate mail.

**0141**

dubya.

No lie – I'm still stuck on the authors note. Dubya appears to be Tara's place of origin. Unfortunately, it appears she's left this place and is out free in the world.

Everybody, hide your keyboards! Just do it!

**0142**

Snape is in the car! Oh thank god! An actual character.

0143

Whoa – whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa **WHOA!**

Circumamcizing? Circumamcizing?

Seriously? The car is flying around, lopping off foreskins in the sky above them? They're going to have to change the lyrics to the song – instead of it's raining men, it's now raining man parts.

Eww.

Also, return of the idiotic donderheads. I actually had to change it back to donderheads because – what do you know? – spell check works.

**0145**

Was her name always Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way? Was that apostrophe always there? Does it indicate a pause or a skip in syllables? Is there some sort of special way one must pronounce this word?

**0146**

The dork lord!

…is too cool for this fic. Honestly – I'm a self-proclaimed dork. Should I ever find this dork lord, I will undoubtedly be forced to comfort him after the trauma of being mentioned in this catastrophe.

**0147**

Oh Ebony, by the way, I forgot to mention Snape's a ropeist.

Goddamn spell check – keep having to make the words wrong again.

What the hell is a ropeist? Is he what, like, a boyscout or something? He ties really good ropes? No wait – I got it – BDSM dungeon master.

Who teaches…at a school…full of young children…

Well, he's certainly knot a rapist. Get it? Geddit?

I'm not even sure how you misspell 'Get it.'

Also, going with what Tara was undoubtedly trying to proclaim – that Snape was a rapist – who uses the words 'I forgot to mention' when describing sexual assault?

An emotional leper.

**0151**

So Satan doesn't put his close on and everyone is scarred.

Well shit, man, it took you **FORTY-FOUR CHAPTERS **to realize you can't write worth _shit._

**0153**

So Satan changes in Voldemont, who I believe is new to this story. Kudos to him. BUT…

Who was Satan having sex with? Was he even in the previous scene? And how did get naked if he wasn't?

Also, I've honestly forgotten who Satan is a substitute character for. There's too many 'S' names. I think Sirius and Snape have been crossbred to form most of them.

**0155**

And old English is back. Although – I knew who thou were all along – totally makes sense grammatically.

I keep my praise to myself, however, on account of the fact that I no longer believe correct anything is an effort on Tara's part. I believe that it was an inevitability – eventually she had to get something right.

**0157**

Thunder came in da room.

Who the fuck is Thunder and why on earth would he want to enter this room?

I've scanned the next two paragraphs and now have tears in my eyes. They're awful, no lie. It's gonna take me twenty minutes to get through them.

**0158**

Aren't Willow and B'loody Mary supposed to be Hermione's evil doppelgangers? How the hell are they running in together?

Wait, wait – I got it; conjoined twins.

Genius.

And honestly, honestly, **HONESTLY**, what's with the fucking apostrophe?

It's really freakin' irritating. Just saying.

**0201**

Diabolo and Drocula – Ron's doppelgangers. Also conjoined twins.

On the plus side, Ginny – actual character. Some of my homicidal rage has abated but that's only because I haven't finished reading the list of characters yet. I'm sure it'll come back in a minute.

**0202**

Gorge is wrong but Fred is right.

Hargrid. I have to say – honestly, I think Tara's probably been most consistent in the misspelling of this characters name than any of the others. He's pretty much always been Hargrid. The giant pedophile rapist.

**0204**

Dumblydore is back! And wait – give me a second.

Holy shit – McGonagall is spelled correctly. Damn, Tara.

You really got lucky this chapter.

**0205**

Serious is back. But isn't Serious Satan? And isn't Satan really Voldemont? Or was Serious Snape who is still flying around in the sky circumamcizing poor unsuspecting flying men.

Does not bode well for Superman.

Lucian doesn't really deserve any mention. He's pointless – completely and utterly pointless like this fanfiction.

**0207**

He did a spell and suddenly his broomstick came to him sexily.

Cause Dumbledore loves him some broomstick.

A wooden broomstick as a sexual aid – I'm not exactly an expert, but that has _got _to hurt.

**0209**

Volxemort has appeared! The newest incarnation of the Dark Lord who is fucking _pissed _that he got dragged out of bed and into this story at _**two o'clock in the morning!**_

Where the fuck did Slugborn come from? What is he even doing here? Wha?

**0210**

"The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!" Snape ejaculated menacingly.

Ejaculating menacingly.

Definitely a rapist.

**0211**

Oh god, this is so fucking horrible. Like, my brain is dying right now. I read the next paragraph and all I can think is how could this happen? How? HOW?

**0213**

"I know a four-letter word 4 dirt, CRUCIATUS!" screamed Harry but da sparks from his wand only hit Draco's car. It fell down Snap quickly crowled out of it and picked up the cideo camera.

Ulgh.

I'm curious about this four-lettered word for dirt. Isn't it sand? Or dust? Or dirt?

Well, we can confirm in addition to not knowing how to spell, Tara can't count.

There's nine letter in "CRUCIATUS" which is also not a real spell.

I'm thinking Tara can't actually read. Which totally explains how she managed to write this thing for forty-four chapters.

**0216**

So Snap is back and Crackle and Pop are in the wind, but Snap had the cideo camera of Ebony basically doing it with half the school. She's in the bathroom, she's with Drako (new character) and Satan is with…

Oooh, suspense – who was Satan video taped with? And was it the **real **Satan or was it actually – gasp – Voldemort! Or one of his many strange cousins…

Dun, dun, dun…

On a side note, I feel like I've been describing the plot of a soap opera for the last forty minutes. Like General Hospital on methamphetamines with magic and no real plot. And minus the eye candy.

**0219**

Okay – it's VIDEOS. Not 'cideos' V-I-D-E-O-S.

Definitely can't read.

Also, Paris Hilton is goth?

Do the other goth people know?

**0220**

FYI – Snap is totally doing it with Loopin, which is a surprise to a chained up and highly intoxicated Lupin, who slurps as he sits in chains, randomly appearing out of time and relative dimension in space.

Yes – that is a Doctor Who reference.

I'm feeling geeky tonight.

**0222**

Harry? Wow – what? When did you get back into the story?

Why did you come back? You were free – free like a bird! You should have flown the fuck away why you still had a chance.

And Lumpkin.

The lumpy cousin of Lupin. His animal side is a couch potato. He eats remote controls and is extremely defensive about possible past sexual conquests. Also ashamed to be associated with Snap.

Or maybe he just doesn't like having his picture taken. I don't know – I'm perpetually confused by this fanfiction. I'm not even trying to make sense anymore.

**0224**

Where does she get her insults from? Honestly – donderheads, ignoramuses – which, holy shit, is an actual multi-syllable word that is spelled correctly – and of course, motherfuckers.

Wait – that last one…

**0226**

Thou shall all dye soon.

Yes, but what color? I'm _dying _to know.

Insert huge sigh here.

This is what I've been reduced to – horrible puns. Horrible, just horrible.

**0227**

Harry is still stuck in this hell dimension, Navel has made and appearance, and Diablo is back.

That is all.

**0228**

What the hell is a Latin stand-of?

Oh, yeah, and now everybody has guns. Wassup? Why not?

**0229**

Nevel. Navel has escaped – good for him. And Voldemort's mildly dyslexic cousin Voldrimort, is trying his hand at being the Dark Lord for a day.

And just as quickly as he was hijacked, Nevel escapes, mercilessly throwing Nevil under the bus.

Well played, kid – well played.

**0231**

Seems a shame to kill Evony. She just got here, after all.

He maid lighting come all over da place.

I do not want to touch this sentence. Even with a ten foot pole. And god, now everything sounds dirty. Yulk.

**0232**

"Save us Ebony!" Dumbledark cried.

And the hillbilly cousin makes a plea to the main character because he hasn't been here long enough to realize Ebony has no magical powers at all.

**0233**

The most poetically accurate statement ever – Ebony has to doing something more impotent.

Told you she didn't have magic.

And now she shouts Abra Kedabra and I am done with this bitch.

For-fucking-ever.

Peace to all your poor souls who have read this fanfiction – I feel your pain, dudes. To the depths of my soul and in the horrors of my memory, I feel it.

To the people who have reviewed – God bless. You guys gave me the strength to make it to this day.

To everybody else…

Hell, it's two-thirty in the morning. I'm going to bed.


End file.
